breathe easy.

today was light,

but it made me feel fucking great.

i hope your brain paints up the same shade as mine.

i couldn't help seeing you there across the room.

i know our eye's met a few times before,

but let's re-introduce them.

social (anti) habit.

I'm the type of guy who,
get me in a room full of a couple hundred people,
I could talk for hours.
no fear,
no worries.
cool,
calm,
collected.
like the world's most entertaining cucumber.
however,
lock me in a room alone with her,
one on one,
& I'm speechless.
i got lines coming out the ying-yang,
except when I need them.

beat generator.

oh no my dear,

i fear i'm giving you,

the wrong idea.

so, i've been doing more and more

to further those 'dreams' that I've been having.

we haven't been painting as much as i'd like,

but hopefully that'll pick up soon.

i'm also demo-ing all the professional DJ software i can find,

so that hopefully i can get that going again too.

and as the days pass by,

i have few designs to show for it,

but i think i'm building foundations,

so at least i think i'm on the right path.

it's all about learning how to play the different games.

i think i'm actually over her,

which is strange because recently i've been seeing her more than usual.

it's more habit than anything else,

i think.

it's true that i adore her,

but the way that i've been treated,

and the just all around lack of effort on her part,

has me at my last end.

honestly, if it came down to it,

and she came to me and asked for my hand right now,

i can't truly say that i would definitely give it to her.

i'm nobody's 2nd best.

i don't play the b-list spot.

and i am seriously finished with waiting around.

"i wish i was a little bit taller, i wish i was a baller,

i wish i had a girl who looked good, i would call her.

i wish i had a rabbit in a hat, and a bat, and a '64 impala."

the 'i wish' cover, by the Secret Handshake,

on Punk Goes Crunk is dank. check it out.

it's been a slow day.

shaping up to be a slow night,

but hopefully i'll see someone special.

i believe tonight is our night...

downtempo.

oh the life i lead.

sometimes i drive myself crazy,

because i'm so fed up with other people.

but i'll keep it to myself,

until they try to say something,

and then i snap.

cleaning around the apartment

has become a weekly uphill battle.

and unless you roam around the house shouting

'i cleaned this' or 'i cleaned that'

noone realizes it got done,

and everyone argues about who's turn it is to do what.

i fucking hate it.

howeverrrrrr

tonight has been an overall fantastic night.

the sunday night ritual is so dank.

hokkaido is like, the best restaurant,

and every week it's amazing.

and it's only to the corner.

so it's always close.

and the meditation session

will hopefully clear out

what i've been sweeping out of my brain all week.

i'll sleep well tonight.

your eyes tell me a story,

about who you are and where you've been.

about what you've done,

and how you've been hurt,

and whats happened in your life.

i always wanted to know if i could do that with everyone,

but your eyes are the only ones i stay locked onto

for more than a brief moment.

it's like you've put a padlock on my senses,

and they can only focus on your elegance.

this trance i've been living in

has made my head a wreck,

but i wouldn't trade it for anyone.

i wouldn't trade you for the world.

i saw her at a bonfire.

stop standing like that.

with your hand on your hip,

and that little smirk that you do.

move.

move to me.

and brushing up against my shoulder

when you're too drunk to stand upright,

isn't my idea of appropriate affection.

i can see by the look in your eye

that you're in this as bad as i am,

and that stare leaves no questions unanswered,

except for all the ones racing through my head.

can you hear me?

do you feel it too?

do you want me?

do you want me to want you too?

how come it's taken us so long,

to still end up exactly where we started?

and why can't i look away?

or forget my lack of drunk that day?

or remember just how i used to feel about anyone

or anything else?

because the only thing i see is you,

and you're smile says the spell's cast on two.

but you're always leaving right before the best part.

so what do you really want me to do?

spill my guts like a show for you?

because if you have the mindset,

then i've got the plan,

and i'd love to run this as far as we can.

but i can only go as far as my mortal soul will let me.

so when you wake up in the morning,

i pray that you won't forget me.

or the night we had,

or the things we've done,

or the thoughts in your head,

that said that i am the one.

a hidden motivation.

and here it is.

a proclamation from the ready,

from the one who's been sitting here,

waiting, for far too long.

damned if you do,

immobile if you don't.

and he's tired of sitting still.

one finger on the trigger,

the other on a chain,

that binds him to all the bad things,

that he hates about his life.

but it's one of those,

love/hate relationships.

sometimes he makes himself sick,

disgusted by the vulgarities and irregularity

inside himself.

there's nothing worse than feeling alone,

inside your own skin,

but thats a feeling that he knows well.

starving for contact he'll never know.

desperate for the things he doesn't deserve.

everyone's sure they're doing everything right,

until they find out they're doing everything wrong.

faceless dependents on one man's back,

he's got the weight of the world on a necklace.

and inside his shoes,

he's got narcotics & booze,

and an ignorant mindset,

he's got no plans to lose.