spooktacular.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

these past few days have been mad.

i've been running all over this place

in preparation for this weekend.

it should be one for the record books.

i'll post some new, real updates in a few days,

once this whole weekend is winding down.

oh and,

if you're going to be in the new paltz area,

look for dopey.

:)

halloween costume.

complications, revelations, and the realization of self.

recently,

i've been more productive then quite possibly ever before in my life.

and it feels good.

i just wish i had something to show for it in the present.

as opposed to always making plans for the future.

you see, thats what i do.

i build foundations.

plant seeds.

and then once my tree grows,

i rarely ever know what to do with it,

so i plant more,

in hopes that one day

the fruit of my labor will blossom.

heres how i see it.

settle for nothing less than perfection.

don't sell yourself short.

and don't ever,

ever let them hit you while you're down,

as a matter of fact,

don't ever let them see you hit the ground,

because once they know you're down there...

let's just say misery loves company,

and i feel the weaker ones trying to pull me down.

i think that might be why i stress so much sometimes,

i'm so worried about falling down there,

being that person.

you remember when you were younger,

and your mother told you that people will make fun and mock you 

because really they're jealous?

i remember,

and that's why i'm here.

never surrender,

it's the easy way out.

padlocked senses & consequences.

all those things i thought i felt,

seemed so heavy at the time,

but i guess it's as the saying,

out of my sight, out of my mind.

you stole my attention,

and brought me the blues.

and you weighed me down,

like a pair of cement shoes,

and you made me go crazy,

and lose touch with myself,

but not like i lost touch with

everyone else.

but it's not that it matters,

no it's not worth the case,

and i'll be fine as long as i don't see your face.

because then i'll unwind

and tangle with you,

and i'm really not sure just what i would do.

i just want you to go away.

i went from crushing on you, to crushing your memories.

i retrace the conversation

as if it's just been said.

back to the moment she hacked at

the hand that fed.

you want compassion,

while you're in denial

and expect me to stand here,

like its all worth my while.

you're holding back,

while i'm hanging on,

it's the same train we've been riding

for far too long.

well i've missed my stop,

and i'm long since lost,

and i've invested so much more,

than what it had originally cost,

but thats how it is,

and thats what i do,

because i had been holding the feeling,

that my someone was you.

i don't want to accept

just walking away,

and wasting all the time i spent,

from a year ago to today,

because my time isn't priceless,

but it sure ain't free,

and i'd rather walk away

then continue to let you make a fool out of me.

because when we're alone

it's pure ecstasy.

but with others we clash,

and it cant be healthy.

so here's my resignation,

signed on the black line,

stating that i'm refusing to give you,

anymore of my time.

loneliness is the worst remedy.

he was looking for a reason,

and he placed that load on her

like a chemical reaction, 

he was unaware would occur.

his mind made up it's jumbles

and he viewed her as a queen.

sold before the auction,

without thinking what it all could mean.

she is the one,

but now he doesn't want her,

because he'd give her the world,

if only she had what he thought she'd offer.

other than more sarcasm,

other than flopping views,

other than a waving hand,

when the crowd starts to move.

because times are hard,

but workings harder

and to be honest he thought she'd be a tiny bit smarter.

and better to him,

and all that he needed,

even if she was

just a little conceited,

but she's not who he thought,

he was played a fool,

because he forgot to remember,

the golden rule.

that everything's better from far away,

but he never remembers until it comes to the day.

and foresight seems so nice,

until you realize even if it's not you,

sometimes shit's just too fucked.

so now bright rays of sunshine,

glow in his eyes,

until the colors bend,

and the sun sees it's demise.

then the smell that permeates the room,

he start's breathing in, lets it consume,

and paint the pictures in his head

as he lies awake alone in bed.

my life be like...

the way I see it,
life is a square,
and were all standing in a corner,
staring across trying to get there.
the way I see it,
life is a game,
and you get 50 thousand points,
for everyone that remembers your name.
the way I see it,
life is a puzzle,
place down the wrong piece
and you may end up with a muzzle.
the way I see it,
life is a lie.
because half of us just sit around,
doing nothing, waiting to die.
well I'm climbing the hypotneuse,
reaching the high score,
and finishing off the puzzle,
because I've seen the picture before.
and if life is a lie,
then I'm uppin' the stakes,
because if it all means nothing,
there's no difference that it makes.

southern side of feelings.

RELAX

just sit back and smile.

and let the overwhelming jealousy,

of a mind that don't belong to me

subside.

a moment's just a moment

and a moment's already gone

so i'll leave it here

with this cigarette butt

and forget how i felt all along.

movement's still movement,

even if movement's slow,

even if i'm still here,

doesn't mean i didn't already go.

i'm leaving it at this,

i'm done playing games,

either remember you know me,

or forget my name.

here you are.

i hoped that i would find you here,

but it seems your whereabouts are still unclear.

i'm not looking for a someone,

i'm looking for my muse.

a drafted carbon copy,

of the persona my heart views.

i've got the picture in my head,

and i've found some names to match the face,

but it seems with every stand-in,

i'll discover another space.

i'm trying to right this,

i don't feel complete,

i need to find the body,

to match the heartbeat.

at 6:00 we go live.

i like to think,

that i think it's important,

to always have a firm footing,

and to analyze everything so there is no way to be caught off guard.

well.

i'm unarmed.

i've sent you all of my ammunition.

my feet are floating,

and my head's in the clouds.

catch me.

happiness is fleeting.

but i don't plan on letting go,

it's one of those habits,

i've grown so well to know.

we are losing hope.

don't give up on me now.

you are the answer.

i'll fix this somehow.

living when life's well.

faux october

i'll fall for you in late september,

tell me you love me like i know you do.

and we'll fall hard into november,

burning with passion while our lips turn blue.

and i'll hold on till late december,

and while the snow comes down,

i'll hold to you like glue.

say,

you really know how to flatter a guy.

it's a shitty day in new paltz.

looks like it'll be raining/cloudy all day.

i am not very excited about this.

however,

today could certainly take a turn in my favor.

we shall see.

i've been reading more and more poetry lately,

and yeah, there's great stuff out there,

but i like it better when it's written by my friends.

thats why im always on falley's tumblr,

because i want to be like her when i grow up. (youcanholdmehere)

:)

so, if you have ever read this,

or even glanced at it,

check out her's.

it makes my stuff look like grade school journal entries.

i think that this is the new start to the rest of my life.

i remember hitting the reset button once or twice before,

but i think this time i'm set.

i'm where i want to be,

with inspiration all around me,

and a perfect little spot to grow in.

it's true i have doubts,

and sometimes i'm searching for outs,

but nowhere like here shouts

'this is home.'

so with the state on my back,

and the city by my side,

let's hop on a cloud and ride.

don't know where we're going,

but we're never gunna stop,

not till the last level,

not till the very top.

now look at me like my eyes are the savior,

like we've never been hurt before,

and as i move through the towers and stories of life,

hang on to me,

and know that no matter what i do,

i'm never quite as good as when i'm standing next to you.

now that we got that out of the way...

so be straight with me kid,

am i wasting my time?

missin' other situations,

writing other pointless rhymes.

because i'm feelin you girl,

but i can't ditch the grind,

especially when you're taking so long,

to make up your mind.

so now i'm sittin here in traffic,

waiting on the dime,

and standin' around solo,

until i get to make you mine.

so don't fall for the tricks,

or any other stupid line,

because to them you're just a rolo,

but to me you are devine.

mashilicious.

I like learning new techniques,
and obviously there's no better teacher,
than new methods and the recounts of old.
so today has been all remixes,
all day.
it's humbling to say the least,
but hopefully with some work,
I can start putting out quality tracks.
I really like double time & live drum tracks,
so those will probably be afluent in the future.

tonight's the night to get bombed.
as is tomorrow,
but the weekend has begun,
and hopefully shit will stay fly until halloween.
but that means work is picking up,
so hopefully ill be on my a-game all week
because ill be running around non-stop.
which is good,
because it leaves me less free time to overthink and make bad
decisions.

here's to a healthy work week!

depression, destruction, devourment.

I live in a world of euphoric confusion,
never quite sure if it's a good day,
or a bad.
but I'll keep moving through the storm,
because something inside promises better feelings, come tomorrow.

I live in a world of epic destruction,
never quite sure if today's my first day,
or my last.
but ill keep moving through the rubble,
because something inside promises better foundations, come tomorrow.

I live in a world of occupied lonliness,
never quite sure if we're steady,
or just moving on,
but ill keep moving through the misery,
because something inside promises better love, come tomorrow.

and if you'll have me,
I'd fight the rain for you.
I'd fight to the finish.
I'd fight to the death for your love.

i am so high i can feel you in my bones.

today has been the best day ever.

i feel myself saying that more and more lately and i love it.

i'm trying to do my best to live for the moment,

i guess it's working.

easy class.

massage.

anniversary.

good food.

good friends.

new transitions.

i feel incredible.

i have no idea whats going to come next.

i am so excited to see whats to come,

even tomorrow.

the universe works in mysterious ways.

goodnight world.

"wont you stand in the middle of the street with me right now? yeah, shout it out. right here together, right here forever, somehow."

emotions change with the seasons.

the wind whistles outside my window,

and with a glance i notice the tornado like movement of the leaves.

'this is fall' i think to myself,

'this is falling.'

you never know quite when it's going to sneak up on you,

but when it does it brings with it this whirlwind of sorts,

making a mess of everything that's been organized so neatly.

i had piles for everything.

potentials, memories, and really important things for the present.

now they're all spread out across my floor.

and the best part is,

i don't even seem to mind.

you see,

i still miss her sometimes,

when i'm alone in my bed.

late nights,

sloppy returns.

all the technology in the world

couldn't make

a pillow to match her breathing.

and even if it could,

it wouldn't be the same.

and still,

every now and again i find myself yearning,

for that familiar scent,

that body that my fingers memorized long ago.

but my conscious knows i'm better off,

and lately my heart's been pointing in another direction.

and she might be the change that makes me better.

the same way time and time before i let my brain fall to the sidelines,

i'm beginning to think another way.

and there's just a shot as any that i'll end up in the same place

6 months down the line.

but i guess it's better to go with the flow,

and move with the wind,

since there will always be more,

whenever the sun rolls back in.

like spiders.

it's like she takes me to the bank

and saves me for a rainy day.

and i'm just as much to blame

because i'll cover anyway.

its just i never seem to learn,

come time and time again,

every time she hints she wants more,

she lets me know she's just a friend.

then i'll fall to my knees,

gettin' tripped all up in you,

because you've weaved me this web,

and now i don't know what to do.

the lights are flashing red, but i just wanna gun it.

no matter what i say love,

no matter what i do,

every little thing is just to get me back to you.

no matter what i say love, 

no matter what i do,

i'd give up everything,

just to stay beside you.

i find myself at a crossroads.

to my right,

i see everything that i have ever desired.

and to my left,

i see nothing but happiness.

the problem is,

these two are no longer intertwined.

in order to fulfill my dreams

i am sacrificing a part of myself.

losing part of what makes me, me,

for what i suppose i believe is

'the greater good',

internally.

it's hard to put to words,

i just feel like,

this is it,

this is the last chance to stop things.

to take it easy.

because if i keep heading in the direction i'm going,

there's no turning back.

it's a shame. 

this was just getting fun.

oh well,

shift into drive and slam my foot to the floor,

i've given up what i had,

and the life i knew before.

in hopes that with my twisted mind

i can conquer my demons,

and splatter the world with my proverbial semen.

i think that i can feel myself changing.

for the better, i suppose.

it's just weird how i'm now consciously able to notice the difference between the way i currently operate, and the way things used to go.

i have to say,

i think this is 'maturing'.

i build my fears into pillars, and use them to hold up my head.

i'm  afraid.

afraid  that   everything  I

wanted  was  a  lie.  afraid

that  you   aren't   the  one

i thought  you were.   i am

so fucking afraid of being

alone,  of being forgotten,

of  being  left  out,   that  it 

consumes  me.   this  whole

charade is a  mechanism.

one  of  my own  creation,

to  alter  this  loneliness.

to  create,  if  only  on  the

external, the person  who

i   always   wanted    to  be.

someone  who  was   never

afraid of anything.the one

who  everyone  fell

madly in love with. 

believing in your breathing.

i'm doing my best not to lose my sense of smell,
but the smoke set my nostrils on fire.
this is exactly the result i was afraid of.
the worthless product of the equation for all the things i desire.
all those things i was warned of in the past come rushing back to me,
good thing i remember them now.
after all the mistakes have been made
looking back on the things i should have done.
i should have spoken slower, chosen words more carefully.
i should have paid attention to the things that actually mattered.
oh what is this life?
what is this mess i've made with the one chance i've been given?
paranoia can overwhelm rather quickly,
this certainly wasn't the way i'd planned things.
i hope that time will tell,
when it whispers in my ear,
whether all of this is normal,
whether everyone feels the fear.
and i hope that you'll be waiting,
and i hope that you'll stay near,
and i hope that you'll be calling back,
when time delivers you back here.

for someone whose not, you're just my type.

i love it when my nights don't end.
where the late blurry hours,
turn into bright early days.
who needs rest?
or at least, not much of it.

she breathes the sweetest smell of memory,
bringing me back, and grabbing ahold of me.
searching for the moments when these nights used to mean something,
back when accessories were cheap,
and visions of the evenings past still stayed with us.
i remember learning from my mistakes,
but now it seems i just relive them.
but for that one night,
that one moment where she was mine,
i was happy.
and i couldn't lose that if i tried.
you make me feel like the first day of spring,
stripping off clothes to get out to the country.
so young and alive,
and not ready to stop moving.
but then when it feels like the first day of autumn,
i'll be holding you close as the leaves burned red.

we gotta get, get out of this town.

it's funny.
the longer that i'm here,
the more the feelings of love and hate start to show.
this town is filled with clowns,
and junkies
and whores.
and we're all as guilty,
doing drugs instead of chores.
i love it here, i do.
but it's driving me insane.
everyone is crazy,
yet everyone's a friend.
what to do in a place like this.
this isn't the way the rest of the world operates,
it's like a secret eden up here.
only the snakes are everywhere,
encouraging bad decisions.
and everyone let's them pass by,
unnoticed,
untouched.
this is the type of place i dreamt about as a kid,
now it's keeping me up late trying to fix it.
all i want is a stable ground,
somewhere that will be on the same page today,
and tomorrow.
not a place where one night can change an existence,
not a place where one night can change a person.
i just want to be happy,
happy with you.
and not have to worry about the consequence.
i want to feel,
something real.
not chemical emotions that i'll lose in moments,
i'd rather just take the recipe.
i feel like i'm running around with donkey ears,
hearing everything without making any moves.
i feel like i'm stumbling around with a tail,
getting caught in doors behind me,
binding me to one place at a time.
i feel like this is the land of lost boys,
where children of all ages are free to play,
but pinnochio taught me a lesson i won't soon forget,
about living too hastily and being filled with regret,
so i'll pack my bags, ditch the ears & jet,
and find a new scene, with a whole different set.

i loathe this town.

all you know about me is what I've sold you, dumb fuck. I sold out long before you ever heard my name.

hey, you know.
i think it comes with the grounds,
but sometimes that shit really gets to me.
sometimes i wish it were different.

i miss having a steady ground.
with everything.
i remember back in the days when,
i thought i knew who i was.
i was still just as unsure about were i was going with my life,
but i miss having everything else in place.
i'm always moving.
or everyone else is,
when i just want to stay.
i've been questioning more and more lately.
i think it's time to change a few things up.

i feel the chill rolling in.

i want to feel your feet,
pressed against mine in the dead of winter.
crossed and intertwined.
in this tiny little room,
on my mattress on the floor.
and i'll feel you breathing,
against my chest through the night.
your body's the only heater i need come december.

i'm praying for a good holiday season.
i know it's early,
but,
i mean,
it's the best time of the year.
never too early for preparations.

life moves fast but today we're gunna take it slow.

i love thursdays.
i've said it before,
and i'll say it again.
waking up at one has it's pros,
from then on,
the rest of the day is really productive.
or not.
either way.
it's my schedule.
no responsibilities,
no nothing.

livin' the dream.

potentially a big weekend.
we'll see whats to come.

sloppily sorry.

baby don't cry,
don't shed no tears.
everything is gunna be alright.
baby don't worry,
hold back those tears,
we'll do it together,
ill help you conquer those fears.

i fall way too deep way too fast,
i think it's the excitement that gets me.
i can't quite explain it,
but the rush of emotions overwhelms me,
and i just can't stop it.
it's not one of those,
'oh just try not to think about it'
types of things.
it's more-so that pestering feeling,
that's always around.
even while you're sleeping
and it's not that it's bad,
it's just pointless.
isn't all of this?

i remember when she used to call me baby,
now she rarely calls at all,
and it's lonley in this homey type transition to the fall.
just promise me that,
whatever happens,
even if we were to die right now,
you'd never let me know the truth,
i'm not sure i even want to know anymore.

oh what a weekend.

so, i guess it's about time
to leave an update about the insane fucking weekend
that i just had.

back on the road with cloud 9.
i always miss those fuckers and the mini road trips
when it's been too long between them.
well, this one was one for the books.

friday night, at saloon in NYC.
the set was pretty good,
but it was a weird pretentious city crowd.
they were 'too cool' to dance.
whatever,
we all had a fucking blast.
the house dj,
or whoever the hell he was,
was complete clown shoes.
he would sample a song,
and even when it sounded like something was gunna be tight,
he found a way to mess it up.
good job dj wonder.
and then we kind of got kicked out,
slightly?
steve almost got into a fight,
and we were put in charge of making sure his ass stayed in line.
not an easy task with a dude whos bigger, taller, and stronger than you are.
and completely obliterated.

saturday morning it was drive time.
from monroe to college park.
made the drive in 4? maybe 5 hours tops.
nice and easy,
smooth sailing.
smoked all the way down the jersey turnpike.
all through delaware.
it was a breeze.
got to maryland,
load in & sound check.
then onto fried's apartment.
(fried goes to UMD, so he was a big part of the trip)
Santa Fe Cafe was so dank though.
bud lights and patron free upstairs,
a highly smoke-able green room,
and lots of very attractive females.
made for a good evening.
shwayze was in the house,
so bringing people upstairs was kind of a problem,
his security is mad tight.
all around though i think we all had a pretty bomb ass time.

this weekend i'm gunna try and hit up the oneonta date with annelise,
then the weekend after that is onto Rochester.

i think i may need to spend some more time at home.
ha.

i've been sleeping well these past few nights,
and i've been dreaming again.
i missed those pictures of you in my head.

your mask is slipping, but it's okay, let it go.

eleanor,
I won't judge you.
your words sing to my eardrums,
on a beat they've never heard before.
don't leave me alone in this.
we're all messed up,
but our voices harmonize.

you know, I don't even know if that's her real name,
but her troubles remind me why I started all this.
although I don't know her details,
I know everyone has a dark side,
and this is my place for that as well.

it seem's like someone's bumped you from your path,
well I left a trail of bread crumbs,
hope that you can find your way back.

if things don't turn out like we planned it, no matter what we say, i'll hold you close. i'll tear my heart out, i'll find another way.

it's strange.
the past few days,
has had me thinking of you.
it's weird how feelings from years ago
can rush back.
maybe it's because i'm lonely.
maybe it's because you're just starting up with him.
maybe i'm just jealous.
i don't know.
but if you remember back to that day,
when i told you that i couldn't picture myself
growing old with anyone else but you.
i meant it.

however.
i've had the other [more recent] her's songs stuck in my head,
all week.
ha, it just occured to me,
that i always refer to all women as 'her'.
from your perspective,
this may seem crazy.
her has been several females in my life,
thus far into the postings.
sorry to confuse.
series of ex-girlfriends, potentials, feigned romances.
a mix-up mash-up of whoevers and whatevers in my head at the moment.

i think she'll know who i'm talking about, though.

"oh, you're freaking me out.
you make me feel like i'm on fire.
it's alright now baby.
its alright, its alright.
every little piece of me,
that you can take or need.
you can take,
pick me to the bone."
- HRC ''45's''

recounting on old thoughts.

but shouldn't we leave some of the sky untamed?
unmapped by human hands?
it seemed like a dream then fast foward straight into supreme,
and then there was nothing left
but some dried up old leaves
and the scent of cement
and peices of paper spread about the globe.
paper,
trees.
but haven't we made this place so, home-y?
yes! yes magnificent,
magnificent in the way a new baby is born,
or in the way we've built up our cities so the man in the penthouse suite can see the sunset perfectly.
he'll sit comfortably in his room,
and watch the sun go down on his earth and say,
'whats left to be done?'
whats left is undoing,
and cleaning our mess,
and fixing the market,
and feeling less stress.
leave those skylines alone,
let them see the world.
from down here,
it almost looks as if this is working.
but space is a place that we will never conquer,
so we'll have to hold it down here.
with our gps driven,
theres no need to stay near.
we've covered everything,
but shouldn't there be something left to explore?


old one.
cleaning up the comp,
and stumbled upon this.
it might have made it on here at one point,
but i revamped it a little bit from the version i had saved.
hope ya dig it.

the mountain range in my living room.

today is one of those days,

where i feel like consciously numbing my mind.

sometimes it's too much to handle,

sometimes it's too much to take.

and basically,

i hate myself,

but not nearly as much,

as i hate everyone else.

and the way the world works,

and the things they do.

and the cynics and jerks,

and the things that remind me of you.

lately these paranoid delusions,

have been piling up in my head,

and i'm losing it slowly,

hearing the things they've said.

but to me it's all good,

can't say i don't care,

but it's really not worth it,

so i'll stand tall like a bear,

and i'll take your shots,

and i won't say a word,

but rest assured,

that i won't forget nothing i've heard.

and when you roll around,

looking for something from me,

i can assure you,

you won't be happy with what you see.

because i'll let you hate,

and i'll try not to let it break skin,

because i know that you're just jealous,

because of the shitty situation you're in.

and i mean, i've been there,

i know how you're feeling,

but that don't mean you can run your mouth,

just because you are in healing.

with a messed up brain,

and a brain dead girl,

you still wish you had half,

of what i got in this world.

trip on a bump.

i feel.

and i want you to know that the feelings i'm feeling are the most negative feelings that one person could possibly feel about another person.

that's the nicest way i could put it.

here's another.

[edit]

i wrote something.

but i'm not going to un-post it.

i'm not about bashing people on the internet.

but just so you know,

don't expect anything from me.

breathe easy.

today was light,

but it made me feel fucking great.

i hope your brain paints up the same shade as mine.

i couldn't help seeing you there across the room.

i know our eye's met a few times before,

but let's re-introduce them.

social (anti) habit.

I'm the type of guy who,
get me in a room full of a couple hundred people,
I could talk for hours.
no fear,
no worries.
cool,
calm,
collected.
like the world's most entertaining cucumber.
however,
lock me in a room alone with her,
one on one,
& I'm speechless.
i got lines coming out the ying-yang,
except when I need them.

beat generator.

oh no my dear,

i fear i'm giving you,

the wrong idea.

so, i've been doing more and more

to further those 'dreams' that I've been having.

we haven't been painting as much as i'd like,

but hopefully that'll pick up soon.

i'm also demo-ing all the professional DJ software i can find,

so that hopefully i can get that going again too.

and as the days pass by,

i have few designs to show for it,

but i think i'm building foundations,

so at least i think i'm on the right path.

it's all about learning how to play the different games.

i think i'm actually over her,

which is strange because recently i've been seeing her more than usual.

it's more habit than anything else,

i think.

it's true that i adore her,

but the way that i've been treated,

and the just all around lack of effort on her part,

has me at my last end.

honestly, if it came down to it,

and she came to me and asked for my hand right now,

i can't truly say that i would definitely give it to her.

i'm nobody's 2nd best.

i don't play the b-list spot.

and i am seriously finished with waiting around.

"i wish i was a little bit taller, i wish i was a baller,

i wish i had a girl who looked good, i would call her.

i wish i had a rabbit in a hat, and a bat, and a '64 impala."

the 'i wish' cover, by the Secret Handshake,

on Punk Goes Crunk is dank. check it out.

it's been a slow day.

shaping up to be a slow night,

but hopefully i'll see someone special.

i believe tonight is our night...

downtempo.

oh the life i lead.

sometimes i drive myself crazy,

because i'm so fed up with other people.

but i'll keep it to myself,

until they try to say something,

and then i snap.

cleaning around the apartment

has become a weekly uphill battle.

and unless you roam around the house shouting

'i cleaned this' or 'i cleaned that'

noone realizes it got done,

and everyone argues about who's turn it is to do what.

i fucking hate it.

howeverrrrrr

tonight has been an overall fantastic night.

the sunday night ritual is so dank.

hokkaido is like, the best restaurant,

and every week it's amazing.

and it's only to the corner.

so it's always close.

and the meditation session

will hopefully clear out

what i've been sweeping out of my brain all week.

i'll sleep well tonight.

your eyes tell me a story,

about who you are and where you've been.

about what you've done,

and how you've been hurt,

and whats happened in your life.

i always wanted to know if i could do that with everyone,

but your eyes are the only ones i stay locked onto

for more than a brief moment.

it's like you've put a padlock on my senses,

and they can only focus on your elegance.

this trance i've been living in

has made my head a wreck,

but i wouldn't trade it for anyone.

i wouldn't trade you for the world.

i saw her at a bonfire.

stop standing like that.

with your hand on your hip,

and that little smirk that you do.

move.

move to me.

and brushing up against my shoulder

when you're too drunk to stand upright,

isn't my idea of appropriate affection.

i can see by the look in your eye

that you're in this as bad as i am,

and that stare leaves no questions unanswered,

except for all the ones racing through my head.

can you hear me?

do you feel it too?

do you want me?

do you want me to want you too?

how come it's taken us so long,

to still end up exactly where we started?

and why can't i look away?

or forget my lack of drunk that day?

or remember just how i used to feel about anyone

or anything else?

because the only thing i see is you,

and you're smile says the spell's cast on two.

but you're always leaving right before the best part.

so what do you really want me to do?

spill my guts like a show for you?

because if you have the mindset,

then i've got the plan,

and i'd love to run this as far as we can.

but i can only go as far as my mortal soul will let me.

so when you wake up in the morning,

i pray that you won't forget me.

or the night we had,

or the things we've done,

or the thoughts in your head,

that said that i am the one.

a hidden motivation.

and here it is.

a proclamation from the ready,

from the one who's been sitting here,

waiting, for far too long.

damned if you do,

immobile if you don't.

and he's tired of sitting still.

one finger on the trigger,

the other on a chain,

that binds him to all the bad things,

that he hates about his life.

but it's one of those,

love/hate relationships.

sometimes he makes himself sick,

disgusted by the vulgarities and irregularity

inside himself.

there's nothing worse than feeling alone,

inside your own skin,

but thats a feeling that he knows well.

starving for contact he'll never know.

desperate for the things he doesn't deserve.

everyone's sure they're doing everything right,

until they find out they're doing everything wrong.

faceless dependents on one man's back,

he's got the weight of the world on a necklace.

and inside his shoes,

he's got narcotics & booze,

and an ignorant mindset,

he's got no plans to lose.

i swear i'll know your face in the crowd.

for a lack of better words,

YOU'RE MY GOOD FEELING.

the creation of the pauper.

money is a lost cause,

thats growing far too old,

and it can't even measure,

it's weight's worth in gold.

there's too many stocks,

& too little time,

and too many bankers,

who nickel and dime,

and give away things,

even they can't repay,

and they lose lots of money,

then they call it a day.

because you can't expect someone to pay back,

what they couldn't afford to start,

but we keep feeding these people loans,

as if it were a kind of art.

now we're losing all our profits,

and we're losing all our minds,

and everything's headed downhill,

it's just a matter of time.

so buy out what you can,

and prepare yourself for the worst,

and maybe in the new rise,

people like us will finish first.

lets try something different.

10 feet high,
no great day,
but the thrill,
from the spill,
makes it seem that way.
over the top,
rounding behind,
its voluptious ego,
is larger than mine.
but I'm still afloat,
my feet on the floor,
and I'm being pushed farther,
than ever before.
so I'll stable my footing,
and ill clear my mind,
and let this crash down,
on the wave of a lifetime.

cast on me.

i am sleeping just to get into tomorrow,

in hopes that these bad thoughts won't follow,

there's nothing worse,

than closing shop

alone.

and i want to walk away,

and forget i ever lived today,

or the day before,

or these past few months

to say the least.

i'm a different person,

but i haven't lost the kid.

actually he's begging to come out to play,

but the door's always locked,

and the key's always missing.

and our eyes bounce off one another reminiscing,

but you look away way too soon.

or i do.

i was never good at keeping your attention,

and i thought i'd make it up to you with signs of my affection,

but now that i think about it,

i never got around to any of that either.

so i fall into a corner,

and i mumble my words,

and i lose faith in myself,

and i feel like a jerk,

because i can't understand

just what went wrong.

but i know,

i won't never ever do it again.

instead of making lemonade...

so,

$58 later,

i can finally start my project.

we have been waiting for this,

and now it's finally ready to grow.

i think that this town could use a new shade of red.

or green.

or grey.

... or gold.

yeah, that's it.

i'll paint it gold.

designs are becoming harder and harder to come up with.

i feel as if my inspiration is running away,

and it packed up any and all the creativity it could on it's way out.

i need new ideas.

i need a new feeling.

i want something that has never been done before.

i'm tired of what i've already seen,

it's time to build a new show.

stick around for the grand opening.

i like when you're around.

so let me just address you,

everything i do is to impress you,

easy going as not to stress you,

want you to feel like god did bless you.

to make you my art,

& to give you my heart,

since right from the start,

you've been holdin that part.

you got me feeling like,

i should be kneeling like,

i should be revealing like,

i should be the sealing type.

we'll i never could quite close a deal,

it's going great till i realize it's real,

until i build up that hunger and zeal,

and a burning emotion i cannot heal.

i want you to know you're the star in my eye,

and to live without you, i feel like i'd die,

you're the main filling to my cherry pie,

and for all of my questions,

you're the reason why.

not bad for a 2:30 am wastecase.

tribal traditions.

and she said,

"why don't you go somewhere,

that's far away from me.

like iraq, the sudan, or india,

or maybe the bottom of the sea"

and i replied,

"oh don't you worry,

i was leaving sooner than you'd asked,

i can't wait to get up out of here,

and to put you in my past."

productivity is at a steady decline.

and she said that

"if you love it,

then go get married to the sea."

i would my dear, if only,

her waves were big enough

to run away with me.

the burden of friendship.

you know,

i don't think we ever got to give,

this an appropriate dissection.

flaws and all,

i will stand tall,

and proudly display my affection.

and my remorse.

why yes, of course,

i have given myself to you,

in hopes to find,

in nearing time,

that you'd give yourself too.

right from the start

i've loved the art,

of living the way you do,

but i can't quite compare,

it's easy not to care,

i just can't hide things as if they're not true.

but you intrigue me,

yes, something relique-y,

it's like my life made a lifetime for you.

your light blonde hair,

everything that you wear,

and your eyes that radiate blue.

now i don't know what else to do or say,

to explain that it's you who makes me feel this way.

you're the mixed-up jumbles in my head,

and the face i see while asleep in bed.

i fantasize your investment religiously,

at night when i put stock into my dream-life lottery.

you're my rise & my downfall, and everything else,

you're my angel & sinner, and my life-line for health.

i'll follow you through the darkness,

even when i can't see,

to be at you side,

and protect faithfully.

and i won't feel scared,

even when i should be,

because with you at my side,

i will fight endlessly.

however,

something isn't right here.

i've beaten mountains,

and bears, and treacherous men,

but there's something that scares me,

away from your hand.

and i don't know quite what it is,

things just should not have worked out like this,

because nothing seems to be as i'd like,

so rather than make myself happy,

i'll just take a hike.

because i don't want to lose you forever,

even if that means we can't ever be together.

so instead of reading you this note,

i'll throw it to sea,

and like a makeshift boat,

i'll watch it sink gracefully.

and let it wash all through my lines,

and melt them away like the sands of time.

and i'll forever call you a friend,

as long as i never call you 'mine'.

the wanderer's last message.

you travel the world,

but come back when you've scene it,

because home will always be right here,

waiting for you.

rocktober.

welcome to october.

i didn't think this time would come again so quickly,

and yet, here we are.

it's going to be a good month.

by the way, if anyones going to be in maryland on the 11th,

make sure to come over to college park,

to the Santa Fe Cafe.

Cloud 9 is playing with Schwayze,

and i'll be there.

so, you know,

if you go to UMD,

or know someone who does,

tell 'em to come show love.

there's so much going on this month,

i don't know if i can handle all of it.

it's going to be one for the record books.