its funny how, things work out.

haha so, looks like i've been no better with the updates.

making the conversion to the iphone has been ridiculous.

and it's impossible to type long updates on there.

my twitter account, however, has gotten more use than ever.

things have been good,

home is nice,

a little stressful,

but it's a nice break.

back up to new paltz on tuesday for a little while.

spending new years with the homies,

you know how it is.

probably not staying at my place however,

that might be too much to handle for this trip.

hopefully we can find something dope to get into up there,

this way we'll be entertained,

occupied,

& not have to worry about the bullshit.

but i do have a week's worth of meetings to take care of,

so that means no partying too hard.

we'll seeeee.

i'm sure there will be another update or two before the new year,

but if not,

have a happy & a healthy new year with you and yours.

let's see what 2009 will bring.

some mistletoe all up in this piece.

merrrrry christmas mother fuckers.

that's right,

it's that time of the year again.

time to bust out your holly jolly spirits,

and surround yourselves with the ones that you love.

well, this year was dope.

i hope everyone had as much fun as i did

& that santa has blessed you all with ill presents.

but christmas dinner wiped me out,

& i'm starting to lose the spirit,

so i'm gunna go lift that up,

then maybe sneak off for a quick nap.

happy holidays everyone!

enjoy the rest of the eveninggg.

its christmas eve.

well apparently december has been a low blogger month.

so much has been going on,

i never have time to update.

well,

it's past my birthday.

i finally got a new cellphone,

after 6 years.

i did better than expected in my classes.

things have been really good.

tonight's the party for my family celebrating my birthday.

my mom insists on this every year.

well she made some delicious food,

so it should be rad.

i'm going to make an attempt to update more.

probably now with pictures,

since the iphone has a dope camera.

we'll see, we'll see.

goodnight all.

merry christmas.

in progress.

we built up our world
on pillars of promises
that noone intended to keep.
and make rash generalizations
about future generations
claiming its out of our mouthes that they speak.
what if we made a miscalculation?
someone screwed up our communication,
and dumbed us all up with an immunizaton,
and now all of our heroes are weak.
now all of our futures are bleek.
what if somebody took a wrong turn,
and now it's too late, and nobody's learned?
we're losing everything, all that we've earned
and nobodys asking, noones concerned.
because taxes are a joke to no man.
or at least that's what I'm told by the man.
but if everythings under his command,
than where's he paying his dues?
where's the cash for the shit that he's used?
I'm sorry if i act too bemused,
but I'm a player in the game that you programmed to lose.

burning banks & trains.

so basically the only thing i have done in the past two days,

is go to two finals, and read about the greek riots constantly.

tonight my friends had yet another token holiday party.

wine & cheese & spiked hot chocolate.

slightly different swing,

a classier way of doing things.

it was pretty rad.

i'm kind of excited that this semester is over.

although, i'm kind of scared to see where i end up a month and a half from now.

but for right now,

the only thing on my mind is sleep.

tomorrow i have two finals i don't want to go to,

but shouldn't be the most difficult things ever, either.

oh well.

wish me luck.

the city sleeps in flames.

"The State murders. Your silence arms them. Occupations in all public buildings, now. Occupation of the Town Hall of Agios Dimitrios"

the riots rage on. tune in.

Athens is on fire.

Has anybody heard about this shit going on in greece?!

the cities are on fire,

there's riots all over the streets.

15 year old kids,

making bombs,

lighting the police on fire.

a 15 year old kid was shot in cold blood by the police,

and it looks like the cop who fired is going to get off.

these people are doing exactly what they should be doing.

it's about time someone stood up to these corrupt fucking power systems.

if it's not working, 

the people are SUPPOSED TO

get fired up,

light it on fire

& build a new.

stay strong, freedom fighters.

here's a blog run by some citizens over there,

and participants in the riots. 

a first-hand account that you're not going to hear from the major media outlets.

On The Greek Riots

i guess them greek kids really know somethin' about art.

we were right in your downfall.

so stay true my friend,

we were right after all,

and be good to yourself,

stay gold through the fall

till i'll see you again,

maybe you'll grab my hand

and we'll be.

just never let it go,

we were right after all,

they'll never let us know,

but don't refuse to stand tall

because all, all that we are,

will be remembered.

go get it right,

be true to yourself,

because that's all we are,

if not anything else.

they'll remember,

remember,

remember,

remember how hard,

you fell.

SUCCESS!

all things considered,

last night was a huge success.

thanks so much to everyone who came out to support us,

and rock out with us at our first big event.

you guys mean the world to us,

and trust me,

last night was nothing compared to what we got in store.

for now, it's time to rest up,

study up for finals,

and handle the last few post-show wrap-ups.

but overall,

it's been a damn good weekend.

and resulting, i'm a tired boy,

so goodnight at 3:20 p.m. on a sunday.

what a fantastic day, not.

so, of course the show is tomorrow.

and i choose today to get sick.

fucking fantastic.

but you know what,

considering how this semester has gone,

i'm pretty okay with it.

the show will go on!

staying in tonight,

trying to get better.

i've taken every type of med under the sun today,

i better be fully functional tomorrow.

dead end road.

if you haven't found the answers you've been looking for,

maybe you've been looking in all the wrong places.

too much time has been spent in the past 12 months

asking the wrong person the wrong questions,

tossing absurd suggestions around,

expecting completely un-obvious answers.

i guess i'm real good at not knowing what's best for me,

because i thought what was best was you.

but if i don't know, then who should?

because to me it seems the best thing just seems to be the most understood.

but who really understands any of this these days?

the final acceptance of worthless dreams.

if it were up to me,

then you'd be in my car,

& we would be together.

& say things like forever.

if it were up to me,

we would drive away,

and we wouldn't worry about a single thing,

because you're the only reason i sing anymore.

but things aren't like they were before.

and you don't come around here no more.

i been wonderin' what you're waiting for.

you see all these products they don't make sense,

i've lost those feelings of innocence,

tried to brush it off as ignorance,

but i guess it doesn't work that way.

our lives have changed a lot,

beginning means long since forgot,

too much spent on what we haven't got,

and this pedal says you love me not.

cause we dont talk like we did before

and i barely see you anymore

but you've got a lure i can't ignore,

head in the clouds, heart on the floor.

what are you running from?

what have we become?

ever since the starting gun,

i've known you were the one.

but maybe that life ain't right,

and maybe we aren't all that tight,

and recently there's been a lot of fights,

recently i've cursed you many nights,

so maybe my brains a mess,

finding reasons just to stress,

whom do i really want to impress,

because right now i'm motivation-less.

I've grown to love your disappearing acts, do one more pretty please.

living in the hudson valley,
its hard to have emotions that change faster than the weather,
but somehow I find myself pulling it off.
I found myself crushing leaves for amusement,
wasting energy simply because it's there.
& all this worry and thought I've built up over the past few months,
well, all of a sudden I'm able to just brush it to the side.
say it with me now:
'I don't need you.'
you're nothing more to me than a dream,
although your ability to blur the lines between falacy and reality have
been holding me hostage like a child's last desperate attempt to believe
in santa claus.
who are you and what do you matter?
you've never been anything more to me than a friend,
and not even the best at that,
so what are these day-visions of blossoming romance?
what's this new perception of a better half?
I've never been one to doubt myself,
but I'm stumbling, doubting my faith when you come by.
again;
'I just want you to go away.'
as you carefully penetrate through the pores in my skin,
I couldn't even begin to sweat you out.
subtle and smooth with the way that you move,
but it's time for you to leave now.
and the sign on my door says I'll see you no more,
so let's not say goodbye,
let's just disappear.

and the flyer is in. (& new logo)

be there.

speak of the devil.

so i think i'm just going to try and not see you anymore.

i think that might be best for me.

you take up too much of my time,

you take up too much of my life.

just so you know,

you drive me crazy.

but it's not that cute kinda way anymore.

this has been one shit-show of a weekend.

cloud nine has been up,

half of which has been here and stayed since friday.

needless to say it was one of the best weekends here in awhile,

if only for it's off the wall events.

but next weekend,

next weekend is where the roof pops off this bitch.

saturday december 13th. 

mark your calendar.

the most unusual situation i've gotten myself into.

you say a lot of words there kid,

how many are for me?

cause little do you know,

you are my everything.

& you got a lot of friends there, sweetheart.

and it's hard to shine so bright,

in a world as illuminated as yours,

to stay ablaze is upwards fight.

i know i'm no saint,

or anybody's savior,

but god damn,

i would fight the rain if it would make you smile.

and hows that fire burnin, baby?

i can see it in your eyes.

but i fear that it's been built up,

something another man has transcribed.

so i'm leaving you this letter,

hopefully it will make you see,

that you my dear are the one,

who has set that fire in me.

but you know a lot of people,

yeah, you got a lot of real good friends,

and i'm really not sure if i'm the one

who you'd run to when it ends.

but if you want to, you can roll over,

and come lay down next to me,

and i can show you what you've hoped for,

and i can show you what we'd be.

and you'll throw another log on my fire,

another kind word you've sent my way,

and i'll be right here waiting for you,

when you decide it's time to stay.

checking my mail at three o'clock in the morning.

blurry eyed.

these are the hours i live for.

i'm alone in my room,

but digitally,

you're right next to me.

i can't fight sleep that isn't coming,

and tomorrow i'll have all day to work this off.

besides, your words are like the first toys i've ever touched,

i wouldn't dream of putting them down yet.

let's not be so far away from each other anymore,

i think i might like it here a little bit better.

so artistic, it's futuristic.

notice the post date.

the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test

grab the book closest to you. 

turn to page 56. 

find the 5th sentence, then write that sentence down.

"They holed up in town

And dad-blamers but they found a neighborly way

to pay for their stay."

-Tom Wolfe

an open letter to my sweetheart.

i don't know how to say this,

so here goes.

since the moment we met,

somethings been different.

i don't know what it is,

but i can smell it in the air,

i can see it in my steps.

you are everything a little boy ever dreamed of.

and those slight stutters,

yeah, they're for you

the feelings are there but the phrase sticks in me like glue.

i can't tell you i love you and not hear it back,

the thought of that moment brings a panic attack.

so how can i get through to you,

without having to say a word?

i've always been so good with those,

but my mouth runs dry when you're around.

you leave me speechless,

stunning with your beauty.

i'm sending brain waves through my eyeballs,

hoping you'll pick up the signal,

and sometimes, i think i see a response,

but i don't know what to make of it.

i was always one to go for what i wanted,

and i feel that without this,

my life will forever go on haunted.

you see, you're the wish that keeps me believing.

and pardon me if i'm too afraid to make a move,

i'm just so scared of anything but perfection with you.

i'm at your will.

either hold me down,

or just give me a go,

or how about a sign, or something,

i don't know.

i just can't erase this picture of you in my head,

or our perfect moment,

or just lying in bed,

or anything even remotely related to you,

because if there's one thing i know for sure that is true,

it's that nothing matters as much to me in this world,

nothing, not as much as you do.

the reason i do,

half the shit that i do,

is me trying to get,

closer to you.

a masterpiece in progress

my heart is racing from the red bull,

think i might need something quick.

time is passing, and i'm mindful,

but i'm getting myself sick.

and i work so long

on not working at all,

in a world that seemed so big,

but you remind me just how small.

and i spend my time,

doing nothing at all,

this mountain didn't seem so big,

but i could never last the fall.

because i can't fly,

the way i'd like to,

and i can only try,

to get inside you.

like the way you did for me,

right now you're all that i see,

you're in my brain,

eating my thoughts again.

looking through those eyes as the clock ticks,

a new minute, a new hour, a new day.

making measures in my head as the song skips,

a new month but i still feel all the same way.

you're not a bad way to start december,

you're not a bad way to start december.

never alone.

we surround ourselves with lifeless faces.

personalities, they fall to the wayside,

almost as unimportant as the last words spoken.

it seems an impossible feat to get you alone.

we can be lonely, as long as we're not by ourselves,

because there's nothing worse than that.

but you could be my company,

as a matter of fact i'd love nothing more.

i could see your glow across the room,

& you're a light i can't ignore.

you see, i have that gift i guess,

call it a hidden ability,

but i mainly see in black and white,

only worthwhile colors present themselves to me.

and everyone has a color,

even if they cannot see,

only most of them appear as shades,

very few shine vibrantly.

but you, you are the brightest,

and you, you are a star,

and you, you could be the world for me,

if you just realized who you are.

i'm never alone, except in my head,

and that's where you play with me.

the last sunday of november.

you're never right where i want you,

& i think that's what keeps me hanging on.

but you speak so sweet and perfect,

it seems a sin to halt your precious song.

my fingers long for nothing more than to learn the patterns of your skin.

i've been procrastinating my life away,

and it's really starting to make a mess of things.

it just seems so impossible to do something so meaningless,

that i brush it off to the side,

and believe in my head

'i'll get to it later.'

but i never do.

i'm sick of avoiding things.

oh well,

here goes.

i'm sure there will be another update or two tonight,

seeing as how i will be up until the sun rises.

wonderful.

holding onto nothing.

tonight we decided to step back into reality,

in a warped sort of way.

coming back to new paltz,

reality. ha.

although,

it is better we're here now,

so tomorrow i don't have to worry about driving,

just work.

the past few days has made me realize a bunch of things,

so i guess it's good to take a step back from time to time.

i'm glad i have the friends that i do,

but more so, 

i'm glad that the close ones are who they are.

& i think that this weird feeling i have,

this sense that i can maybe fix people, or something,

i think it's best to try and let that subside with certain people.

i'm not a miracle worker,

and some people don't want to change.

and i am not the answer that they're looking for.

they're not looking for me.

but does that mean stop searching?

i need to learn to not try and mend what's not mine to fix.

i don't get people, i don't get life.

and you,

you're the most ridiculous person i've ever met.

and you won't let me go.

i don't understand this word-strung noose around my neck,

or why you keep pulling tighter and tighter.

but please, it's time to let go.

turkey & potatoes.

happy thanksgiving everybody!
today is a day to celebrate our forefathers stealthy aquisition of this
country,
and the death of turkeys nationwide.

hope everyone's okay after last night,
aka thanksgiving eve,
aka the night of the single most fatalities resulting from (a) drunk
driver/driving.

tonight should be relatively low-key
beers with the boys,
celebrating this great nation.
ya know.

but truly, I wish everyone the happiest and healtiest of thanksgivings,
and I promise more good updates are coming very, very soon.

back in the bed, back where it all started.

so hit me up again when,

you're back on the island and

maybe we can meet up for some coffee

or another conversation.

hit me up again when,

you come back around and

maybe we can do all those things,

we'd always wished we'd done.

being back home again is nice.

it's a good feeling sleeping in this bed again,

the one i grew up in.

and this room.

these walls hold a decade of memories

i couldn't possibly forget,

but it feels good to be reminded.

i hope this feeling stays.

ash to ashes

dust to dust,

what in the world is becoming of us?

i can't recall what's on my mind.

homeward bound

i'm going home in about an hr.

i haven't begun to pack,

i haven't even really gotten out of bed yet.

oh well,

time to get movin'.

this should be a good vacation.

in my nice house,

stacked with food, i'm sure.

i'm so pumped.

i've missed you, long island.

sleep depravity has taken over.

so ill consider this a metaphor,

for another thing i can't afford.

brush you off as 'just another whore',

just one more that i'll have to ignore.

one more song,

one more word,

i bet you can't tell me anything

i've never heard.

one more time,

one more chance,

to let this pan out,

to create new romance.

you're the kind of beautiful

that i could wake up to every morning for the rest of my life.

i love how this post transcends.

i don't even know what i'm writing anymore.

all work and no play makes jon a dull boy.

all life and no sleep makes jon freakin' insane.

time to get some rest.

a mess of rants & rambles.

I’m tired, but I seriously doubt I can sleep. I have this terrible knack for waiting till the last minute to do everything. So tonight, in panic mode (after having the single worst hungover sunday of my life, in and out of bed exclusively to vomit until 5 p.m.) I popped a few study buddies only to find that the project is not due until next Monday. Luckily, I have a good sense of learning from my mistakes, because instead of working on the project tonight and at least getting a good start on it, I chose to not work on it at all and catch up on the new Californication. And although my centermost desire in this lifetime is to be like Hank Moody when I grow up and I can not contain seeing what types of shenanigans he’ll get into next, I spend another night completely unproductive. I am my own worst enemy. I’m a goddamned time bomb. This habit list I’m forming is quite possibly going to be the end of me. And yet I guess I think I’m doing everything right. Most of it seems to be working. Although, contrary to what my mom always told me, I don’t ever learn from the important mistakes. But my problem is I don’t know how to express to her that all I’m doing is trying not to let her down. I’m playing the game the best way I know how, and yeah, I’m having as much fun as possible. (I want to enjoy my life to the best of my ability) But all that I have here is open doors, and I know I keep knocking on the ones I’ve been at before, but I’m trying to grow up in a place where everything seems to be pushing me down. So I lift myself up and get high as a kite, and I chill with my friends and enjoy the flight, because all that I know is a series of motions that I cant stop. So I cope with myself and I hope for change, and pray someday this world will be re-arranged to a spot where we can all relax and enjoy life like it should be lived. And I lay with myself, on days where there’s nobody else, and ponder my existence, if only for an instance, because in reality, I don’t have a fucking clue as to what I’m doing.

and rock me like a child.

i woke up eight times today,

each time seemingly as painful as that prior.

it's funny the way the body works.

i didn't realize by way of repairing myself

i'd be left with such shitty repercussions. 

but i guess sometimes those re-energizing days

come at the most optimal times.

i threw a rope around the moon,

to hang a hammock,

for us to spoon,

and rock away amongst the stars,

and hold the earth,

as if it's ours.

the rest of existence is playing a part,

and thats what i'm scared to succumb to.

i don't want to be in a box,

i want to live without walls or ceilings.

infinite.

but i'm afraid that they won't let me.

if there's nothing more important than truth,

then why is everyone a liar?

if there's nothing more sacred than love,

then why are we all such whores?

the truth is that there's no meaning behind the rhythms anymore.

the truth is that whatever the fucked up nonsense is that goes on in your head,

it's all you're ever going to know.

we lost our purity back in grade school,

so we'll spend our lifetimes searching for the next big thing.

and if we make a couple bucks along the way,

then i guess we came out winners.

but, who really wins this game anyway?

from the tips of your fingers,

to the backs of your eyes,

i love every ounce of your being.

but i can't go any further

on this endless trail

of four word conversations

& missed phone calls.

i love you but you're hours too late.

a recent retrospective.

last night i overslept my boundaries,

woke up behind enemy lines.

this morning this body pumped new blood.

if it seems to be the way of the world,

who am i to complain?

tonight we're burning all our bridges.

theres fire in your eyes when you wake in the morning.

burning with passion, desire.

cold-blooded emotions,

animalistic.

this hung-over thought process

burns images into my head

exciting the beast,

and he's breathing 'alive or dead'.

disconcerting my mind,

maybe this will drift off with time.

i'm holding close all i hold dear, hoping i'll find a map from here.

i may not always get the words quite right,

as a matter of fact,

i've been known to stumble my lines.

but the point is there,

and the message's clear.

always and forever,

but never again.

it feels worse knowing

you didn't even care.

tonight the liquor is my best friend,

and the center of all my concerns.

and i'm getting way too woozy,

but my brain, it never learns.

please let's start this over,

rewind this evening.

i don't even know what to make of this.

you win and you lose,

and you lose,

and you lose.

but still always playin' on top.

sometimes it hurts to wear a smile.

sometimes it hurts just to be around you.

i'm disgusted with my cravings.

i'm becoming disgusted with myself.

why won't this all just go away?

after tonight,

i won't believe in you anymore.

start a new type.

so here we are,

and there you sit

as i carelessly fall into the hard drive

that runs this whole system.

i'm controlling the twitches in your toes,

pulling strings, touching things.

losing my mind

to the bright lights and colors

that you are.

please let's run this program just a little long tonight,

i can't stand to see you drift away.

it's true what they say,

no one ever said it was going to be easy.

well, no one ever told me it would be this fucking hard either.

these are no waters to swim in.

i finally understand,

maybe this is some sort of closure.

my fears remained in the shadows,

until i was ready to overcome them.

well this is now,

and here i stand.

face to face with the insecurities,

that have bound me from the start.

but i wont be restrained anymore.

if there is one thing that these years of anguish have taught me,

it is how to stay alive on a battlefield

ridden with mines and flying shards of metal.

i won't be scared away,

and i won't be humbled.

not anymore.

there's nothing more frightful

then stepping out on a limb,

but these fragile branches have become my home.

and trust them i will

because there's no greater thrill,

than dangling head first from a thread.

if you'd be the bullet,

i'd shoot out the bulb locked in the sun.

freezing over the landscape,

bonding us as one.

words of supreme wisdom.

clever,

ever so clever.

and your resemblence to the man is uncanny.

tell all that you're thinking,

you're the voice of reason.

& if your silent call goes unnoticed,

then they'll have nobody else to blame.

speak like the wind to the waves,

don't be afraid of the uproar.

you're better than that.

it's only so intriguing cause it's spilling from your lips.

blondiecakes.

i've been wearing my bright glasses,

trying to grab your attention,

and wondering if you'll figure 

you're the one that i mentioned.

are you hearing me now?

is my name in your head?

are you dreaming of me late night,

while you're laying in bed?

when you hear my voice,

does it make you weak?

and can you feel your body tremble,

when the two of us speak?

because you do it to me,

i feel it inside,

and to be honest this isn't the type of thing i could possibly hide.

so if you're feeling my beat,

and you're feeling the heat,

hit me up pretty baby,

i've been saving ya seat.

and i'll keep you here,

to chill right by me

& we could roll to the top of the world.

shivering nightfall.

you should come home tonight.

we can't leave this door open any longer,

the cold is penetrating my brain.

freezing my thoughts.

you would be beautiful if you ever stopped moving.

miscommunication.

so here i am.

it's been a long road but this cobblestone path has nearly ended.

the scrapes against my bare feet gently bleed,

careful not to lose too much.

i'm craving you, feeling unwanted.

looking for a hidden gesture in between the parts in your words.

are you giving me a sign?

is there a hint i'm not receiving?

operator,

your signal is static.

the last words for you that i will ever want to write.

my head paints a picture

of a bright yellow blanket,

wrapped around your head.

and the multi-colored swirls of christmas lights,

blinding the outside world.

my vision blurs as i fall into memory,

as i fall into 'how we used to be'.

well, we used to be nothing,

but i thought it was something.

i remember one time you asked me,

'wouldn't it be more fun to never know?'

and i told you that that novelty,

had worn off long ago.

and you sat and you smiled,

but you didn't say a word.

and i remember feeling 

absolutely absurd,

but i laughed & i smiled,

because thats what i do

when i don't know

just how to impress you.

well, we used to be nothing,

but i think that you're something.

(you're eyes used to be my favorite)

why do you change your face for your friends?

if they don't think you're a beauty,

why bother pretend?

the world doesn't know marvels like yours,

there's no reason to turn your lights down.

and even when you're not leaving,

i know you're not here to stay.

and even when you're right here, 

you feel so far away.

well, we used to be nothing,

but i thought you were something,

but the words will never leave these lips.

the rhythm i felt, 

the hand i was dealt,

well i guess you weren't feeling the beat.

my friends all say you're not the one,

you're fooling around, just having fun.

you act like this with all the guys,

you act like this, got roaming eyes.

i thought they were mine,

but you wear that pair for everyone.

well, we used to be nothing,

but i've thought you were something,

since the day that we met,

its you i can't forget.

you make me feel the butterflies,

except when you leave that feeling dies,

and i convince myself i've gone insane,

when i can't rid the thoughts of you from my brain.

because i know that light you hide inside,

& as a matter of fact it serves as my guide,

& shows me the way to a better place,

& illuminates the path that leads to your face.

that pair, your eyes,

i pray i'm all they see,

even though i know,

that won't possibly be.

(your eyes have always been my favorite)

when you're ready to stop running,

                                          i'll be waiting.

lazy days & endless evenings

i'm starting to feel more and more like a real person.

as weird as that sounds,

it's one of the more important things in my life right now.

crossing over into that

'i can handle this'-type of life.

feeling meaningful,

with things to do,

and life to live.

a duty to fulfill.

i'm enjoying being real.

haha.

a new week is beginning,

should be relatively relaxed.

i think they're predicting snow this week.

i can not wait.

snow trip time.

oh and so,

we just discovered we have an attic.

like, we always knew it was there,

but we just realized it was cool,

and that there was space.

there's this creepy little room up there too.

with a window,

and a painting,

and a door with a face painted on it.

i wonder how old it is.

it's one of those times where you wish

the walls could talk.

oh the story they'd tell.

i'm in the mood to do something tonight.

something that we haven't done in awhile.

maybe even something new.

just not a boring sunday night.

too much has happened,

and it's been too good a week for it to end on a bum note.

let's make something happen.

swirls of cool colors.

so today is friday

and i am exhausted from last night.

i'm watching old viva la bam episodes on MTV2,

but i haven't yet felt the need to get out of bed.

every other fucking commercial is for some new xbox 360 game,

and of course they all look so good,

especially since mine is broken.

i need to start saving my money.

i'm also getting really excited for the next few weeks.

next friday is our thanksgiving party.

that date should be final now,

it's been changed a bunch.

thanksgiving should be nice,

it'll be good to see the family.

then december should bring all sorts of good feeling.

the c9 dudes will be back in town,

then the week after is the powerline show at cabs.

then the holidays & my birthday.

i can't wait.

the winter approaches,

forcing the days from light to dim,

while the darkness encroaches,

and i feel the frost start moving in.

the spills of memories,

sends chills down my spine,

as i remember the days,

when i thought the time was all mine.

but growing older made a boy out of me,

changing my heartaches to new dates.

and my sadness to glee.

and i'll take your sad frown,

and turn your face upside down,

and help you remember what it is to be free.

so we'll wear big socks,

and an oversized shirt,

and stay undercover,

while the snow hides the dirt,

and i'll hold you this evening,

and tomorrow skip work,

and hold onto this feeling,

blocking demons that lurk.

& when the sun comes back,

will you think of me then?

and remember me fondly,

as more than a friend?

oh quotes.

"Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability."

                       – George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

thats the quotation of the day on this thing.

i like that one,

it's very interesting...

i'll pack my shit and move out, i'm getting wasted.

sometimes i wish i kept in closer contact

with all of my friends from long island.

i mean, obviously i still speak on a semi-regular basis

to my best friends from back home,

but it's weird.

i have no idea how anyone ever tries to handle

long distance relationships,

it just seems impossible.

speaking of which,

thanksgiving is around the corner,

which means i'll be heading home very soon.

& i have bundles of things to do before i leave.

but i hope it's not awkward back at home,

i mean, it always is.

but i hope it's not that bad this time.

it's a short break,

shouldn't be too bad.

i want to go away,

to some exotic place.

a vacation for the restlessness.

a vacation for my mind.

i want to be where no one can find me,

unless i want to be found.

maybe i'll move to hawaii.

or australia,

or fiji.

yeah,

i'm adding that to the to-do list.

UPDATE, the info is in!

Prices & Time are set.

Dec 13th, 2008

Powerline Productions presents

Kids with Toys: the Open Bar Experience

@ Cabaloosa's in New Paltz

Live Bands & DJ's

Open Bar 11:30 p.m. - 1:30 a.m.

Open Bar $13

21+ w/o O.B. - $5

18+ - $6

helicopter.

today is going to be a day

of meetings and boring classes.

which frankly,

isn't all that exciting.

and its a wednesday,

which means there will probably be next to nothing going on tonight.

fantastic.

oh well,

i had fun last night,

and that's good enough for me.

...at least until tomorrow. haha.

i got a bunch of new music yesterday,

and i've been sifting through it since,

it's so good to finally have lots of new good stuff.

and a high-speed internet connection at home, finalllly.

i miss the beach.

and the summer time.

and the lack of responsibilities.

but i'm really excited for the winter.

i can't wait to get out on my board again,

and have some great weekends with some great friends,

in the cold, cold snow.

and it's definitely going to be a good christmas season,

my favorite time of the year.

i just hope to god i'm doing good enough in these classes,

and ending this semester on a good note.

alright,

that's it for now.

there should be more coming later.

the morning after never holds that glow.

so,

last night got a little,

infected

with andrew and emily.

with double-vision

and slurred words,

i'm sure the three of us were quite entertaining.

i miss them though.

last year we were all stuck in a room together,

all the time.

now, it's harder to hang out,

and time seems to be getting scarce,

but when it works its pure...

magic.

haha.

last night actualllllly

created a new love for 'bloc party' for me.

i'd always heard they were good,

and even heard a few tracks,

but never really got down to it.

well,

last night.

i got down to it.

and let me tell you.

it was nice. 

OH.

i'm going to take this moment

to promo our first 'Powerline Productions' breakout show.

It's going to be Saturday Dec 13th at Cabaloosa's.

and although we haven't released all the details yet,

you can rest assured we'll have the hottest DJ's & illest bands in the paltz,

to kick off this party right.

oh and,

bring your drinking shoes,

because there will be an open bar.

and this isn't the kind of event,

that you could afford to miss.

i'll see you fuckers there. :)

life corp.

people are skyscrapers.
their legs are thousands of stories,
painting over the skyline.
and their nerves run like elevators
through the walls that bind them
on the veins that keep them together.
and foundations are roots,
that were strapped to our boots,
that connect us to pipes and wire.
with transparent skin,
a marvel to those looking in,
but towers of prisons to the organs indoors.

this kind of day makes us unbearable.

it's gross outside today.

from the moment i woke up it's been dark and rainy.

i dont like that one bit.

i feel like today's one of those,

'relax and try not to do anything' kinda days.

i'm game.

i want to fall apart,

and scatter across the globe,

and lose myself in meaning,

and remember what i used to know.

oh that night.

she's a vixen,

and you could smell it the second you walked in.

that red dress hugs in all the right places,

accentuating the curves of a goddess.

she's got you locked and her eyes follow you across the room.

her body waiting patiently by the door

breathing carefully so you can feel it dance along the back of your neck.

her right strap slides off her perfect shoulder,

and she plays like she doesn't notice.

only one strap.

only one secret to keep.

you've seen her once or twice,

but she's a phantom to your senses.

and you've already been beaten.

you'll move closer,

and with a quick flutter of her lashes

she'll have you.

you light it for her,

like a gentleman.

but the way that she wraps her lips around the cigarette gets you spun.

you'll never forgive yourself for this one.

but you've been known to make a bad decision.

it's only a matter of time,

it's only a matter of time.

sloppy passion only lasts until the sun's up.

unforgivable,

unforgettable.

on the eve of new beginnings.

it's 4:50 on a friday.

classes and all obligations are completed for the week.

went grocery shopping earlier,

so the house is stocked.

time to go grab some beers,

and bring on the weekend.

oh and also.

i want to take this time to say,

if anyone is actually reading this,

leave me a comment!

i dont care what it is,

i just like to hear from you.

so, yeah.

:)

i'm pumped for this weekend.

it should be a breeze.

and especially considering certain things

are out of my hair for the time being

this should be a good spot to let loose.

count it.

the long chinese staircase back to reality.

last night was Red Bull's Barmaster

@ Darby O'Gill's in poughkeepsie.

keith, the sbm from marist,

set the whole thing up fraternity tournament bracket style.

it turned out pretty dope,

would've liked to see more heads

but we would always like more people,

nothings ever at our standards. haha.

but there was cheap beer and good people,

so you know it was a good time.

anyway,

i stayed over at their house across the river,

and i just got home,

and i'm channel surfing,

and i have to say,

i had no idea how many onDemand channels i had!

i guess thats all i really needed to say about that.

you and me are drifting,

the wind's picked up

and the string on my kite

is getting longer,

gusting you farther and farther away.

i miss those times when you were still in your shiny silver packaging,

so fresh and new.

untouched.

but now that wrappers lies on the floor,

and the locks bolted shut to my door,

and you rarely even

call anymore.

i've forgotten those feelings,

i felt so strongly before.

but i'm not giving up,

ill wait for your body to cut

back through the clouds.

and when mother nature settles,

and the last leave hits the ground,

ill look to the trees to find my love,

when you start missing having me around.

new one, rough & on the spot.

hope you like it.

more to come later.

i'm missing you, blue eyes.

the times are changing.

this excitement is glorious,

people are dancing in the streets.

it's like the grand entrance into a new enlightenment.

people have pride in red, white, and blue again.

look what we've done!

on the edge of one of the most horrific economic depressions we've ever seen,

and yet we're believing we have a solution.

we're believing again.

for everyone who ever said

they'd never have a voice,

open up your eyes.

this is one of the greatest achievements in history,

and it belongs to us,

my friends.

the system may be flawed,

but it's up to us to fix it.

let's put a little elbow grease into what so many have bled for before us.

yes we can...yes we did.

OBAMA!

this is hands down one of the most exciting times

we could have possibly asked to be alive in.

this is history in the making.

this will be taught for hundreds of years.

a new day is upon us.

the first black president,

did you expect to see it in your life time?

well, here it is.

i can't wait to see what happens.

election day.

so,

i'm not reallllly one to talk about politics.

i think the whole system is fucked,

and were pretty much screwed either way.

however.

i do think it is important to vote.

exercise your right.

if you don't speak,

your voice will never be heard.

it takes 2 seconds,

just do it.

it's really not even that exciting,

considering new york is and always will be democratic,

but at least you're throwing your 2 cents in.

and who knows,

maybe we'll find the change we've been looking for.

thats all i really wanted to say,

i just felt compelled to post about it.

after one good day.

you flip and crash like raging waves,

and lock yourself away for days, 

and hide your face from rays of sun,

and hide your face from everyone.

well wont you stop hiding?

open up to me.

hangovers & early mornings.

this weekend was out of this world.

for real,

like bat shit crazy.

i'm trying to look back

and like, clearly recount it all,

but i think thats next to impossible.

i like surrounding myself with good people,

as opposed to just, everybody.

and i'm hoping for another weekend like this real soon,

maybe a trip or something.

i'd love to take a bunch of friends

and just go rent a house on the side of a mountain for a few days.

that'd be dope.

i also wrote a good amount this wknd,

but i kept it all in the 'kick.

i'm going to go through it when i get a chance,

and i'll post some of the good stuff.

oh & for the record,

there will be no more throwing of pumpkins off roofs for this kid.

too much art.

what a wonderful weekend.

I understand the creative.
the individual way of seeing things.
our expression.
and you'll call it art.
but to me it just is.
it is as it should be.

peaking.
ill finish this later.

spooktacular.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

these past few days have been mad.

i've been running all over this place

in preparation for this weekend.

it should be one for the record books.

i'll post some new, real updates in a few days,

once this whole weekend is winding down.

oh and,

if you're going to be in the new paltz area,

look for dopey.

:)

halloween costume.

complications, revelations, and the realization of self.

recently,

i've been more productive then quite possibly ever before in my life.

and it feels good.

i just wish i had something to show for it in the present.

as opposed to always making plans for the future.

you see, thats what i do.

i build foundations.

plant seeds.

and then once my tree grows,

i rarely ever know what to do with it,

so i plant more,

in hopes that one day

the fruit of my labor will blossom.

heres how i see it.

settle for nothing less than perfection.

don't sell yourself short.

and don't ever,

ever let them hit you while you're down,

as a matter of fact,

don't ever let them see you hit the ground,

because once they know you're down there...

let's just say misery loves company,

and i feel the weaker ones trying to pull me down.

i think that might be why i stress so much sometimes,

i'm so worried about falling down there,

being that person.

you remember when you were younger,

and your mother told you that people will make fun and mock you 

because really they're jealous?

i remember,

and that's why i'm here.

never surrender,

it's the easy way out.

padlocked senses & consequences.

all those things i thought i felt,

seemed so heavy at the time,

but i guess it's as the saying,

out of my sight, out of my mind.

you stole my attention,

and brought me the blues.

and you weighed me down,

like a pair of cement shoes,

and you made me go crazy,

and lose touch with myself,

but not like i lost touch with

everyone else.

but it's not that it matters,

no it's not worth the case,

and i'll be fine as long as i don't see your face.

because then i'll unwind

and tangle with you,

and i'm really not sure just what i would do.

i just want you to go away.

i went from crushing on you, to crushing your memories.

i retrace the conversation

as if it's just been said.

back to the moment she hacked at

the hand that fed.

you want compassion,

while you're in denial

and expect me to stand here,

like its all worth my while.

you're holding back,

while i'm hanging on,

it's the same train we've been riding

for far too long.

well i've missed my stop,

and i'm long since lost,

and i've invested so much more,

than what it had originally cost,

but thats how it is,

and thats what i do,

because i had been holding the feeling,

that my someone was you.

i don't want to accept

just walking away,

and wasting all the time i spent,

from a year ago to today,

because my time isn't priceless,

but it sure ain't free,

and i'd rather walk away

then continue to let you make a fool out of me.

because when we're alone

it's pure ecstasy.

but with others we clash,

and it cant be healthy.

so here's my resignation,

signed on the black line,

stating that i'm refusing to give you,

anymore of my time.

loneliness is the worst remedy.

he was looking for a reason,

and he placed that load on her

like a chemical reaction, 

he was unaware would occur.

his mind made up it's jumbles

and he viewed her as a queen.

sold before the auction,

without thinking what it all could mean.

she is the one,

but now he doesn't want her,

because he'd give her the world,

if only she had what he thought she'd offer.

other than more sarcasm,

other than flopping views,

other than a waving hand,

when the crowd starts to move.

because times are hard,

but workings harder

and to be honest he thought she'd be a tiny bit smarter.

and better to him,

and all that he needed,

even if she was

just a little conceited,

but she's not who he thought,

he was played a fool,

because he forgot to remember,

the golden rule.

that everything's better from far away,

but he never remembers until it comes to the day.

and foresight seems so nice,

until you realize even if it's not you,

sometimes shit's just too fucked.

so now bright rays of sunshine,

glow in his eyes,

until the colors bend,

and the sun sees it's demise.

then the smell that permeates the room,

he start's breathing in, lets it consume,

and paint the pictures in his head

as he lies awake alone in bed.

my life be like...

the way I see it,
life is a square,
and were all standing in a corner,
staring across trying to get there.
the way I see it,
life is a game,
and you get 50 thousand points,
for everyone that remembers your name.
the way I see it,
life is a puzzle,
place down the wrong piece
and you may end up with a muzzle.
the way I see it,
life is a lie.
because half of us just sit around,
doing nothing, waiting to die.
well I'm climbing the hypotneuse,
reaching the high score,
and finishing off the puzzle,
because I've seen the picture before.
and if life is a lie,
then I'm uppin' the stakes,
because if it all means nothing,
there's no difference that it makes.

southern side of feelings.

RELAX

just sit back and smile.

and let the overwhelming jealousy,

of a mind that don't belong to me

subside.

a moment's just a moment

and a moment's already gone

so i'll leave it here

with this cigarette butt

and forget how i felt all along.

movement's still movement,

even if movement's slow,

even if i'm still here,

doesn't mean i didn't already go.

i'm leaving it at this,

i'm done playing games,

either remember you know me,

or forget my name.

here you are.

i hoped that i would find you here,

but it seems your whereabouts are still unclear.

i'm not looking for a someone,

i'm looking for my muse.

a drafted carbon copy,

of the persona my heart views.

i've got the picture in my head,

and i've found some names to match the face,

but it seems with every stand-in,

i'll discover another space.

i'm trying to right this,

i don't feel complete,

i need to find the body,

to match the heartbeat.

at 6:00 we go live.

i like to think,

that i think it's important,

to always have a firm footing,

and to analyze everything so there is no way to be caught off guard.

well.

i'm unarmed.

i've sent you all of my ammunition.

my feet are floating,

and my head's in the clouds.

catch me.

happiness is fleeting.

but i don't plan on letting go,

it's one of those habits,

i've grown so well to know.

we are losing hope.

don't give up on me now.

you are the answer.

i'll fix this somehow.

living when life's well.

faux october

i'll fall for you in late september,

tell me you love me like i know you do.

and we'll fall hard into november,

burning with passion while our lips turn blue.

and i'll hold on till late december,

and while the snow comes down,

i'll hold to you like glue.

say,

you really know how to flatter a guy.

it's a shitty day in new paltz.

looks like it'll be raining/cloudy all day.

i am not very excited about this.

however,

today could certainly take a turn in my favor.

we shall see.

i've been reading more and more poetry lately,

and yeah, there's great stuff out there,

but i like it better when it's written by my friends.

thats why im always on falley's tumblr,

because i want to be like her when i grow up. (youcanholdmehere)

:)

so, if you have ever read this,

or even glanced at it,

check out her's.

it makes my stuff look like grade school journal entries.

i think that this is the new start to the rest of my life.

i remember hitting the reset button once or twice before,

but i think this time i'm set.

i'm where i want to be,

with inspiration all around me,

and a perfect little spot to grow in.

it's true i have doubts,

and sometimes i'm searching for outs,

but nowhere like here shouts

'this is home.'

so with the state on my back,

and the city by my side,

let's hop on a cloud and ride.

don't know where we're going,

but we're never gunna stop,

not till the last level,

not till the very top.

now look at me like my eyes are the savior,

like we've never been hurt before,

and as i move through the towers and stories of life,

hang on to me,

and know that no matter what i do,

i'm never quite as good as when i'm standing next to you.

now that we got that out of the way...

so be straight with me kid,

am i wasting my time?

missin' other situations,

writing other pointless rhymes.

because i'm feelin you girl,

but i can't ditch the grind,

especially when you're taking so long,

to make up your mind.

so now i'm sittin here in traffic,

waiting on the dime,

and standin' around solo,

until i get to make you mine.

so don't fall for the tricks,

or any other stupid line,

because to them you're just a rolo,

but to me you are devine.

mashilicious.

I like learning new techniques,
and obviously there's no better teacher,
than new methods and the recounts of old.
so today has been all remixes,
all day.
it's humbling to say the least,
but hopefully with some work,
I can start putting out quality tracks.
I really like double time & live drum tracks,
so those will probably be afluent in the future.

tonight's the night to get bombed.
as is tomorrow,
but the weekend has begun,
and hopefully shit will stay fly until halloween.
but that means work is picking up,
so hopefully ill be on my a-game all week
because ill be running around non-stop.
which is good,
because it leaves me less free time to overthink and make bad
decisions.

here's to a healthy work week!

depression, destruction, devourment.

I live in a world of euphoric confusion,
never quite sure if it's a good day,
or a bad.
but I'll keep moving through the storm,
because something inside promises better feelings, come tomorrow.

I live in a world of epic destruction,
never quite sure if today's my first day,
or my last.
but ill keep moving through the rubble,
because something inside promises better foundations, come tomorrow.

I live in a world of occupied lonliness,
never quite sure if we're steady,
or just moving on,
but ill keep moving through the misery,
because something inside promises better love, come tomorrow.

and if you'll have me,
I'd fight the rain for you.
I'd fight to the finish.
I'd fight to the death for your love.

i am so high i can feel you in my bones.

today has been the best day ever.

i feel myself saying that more and more lately and i love it.

i'm trying to do my best to live for the moment,

i guess it's working.

easy class.

massage.

anniversary.

good food.

good friends.

new transitions.

i feel incredible.

i have no idea whats going to come next.

i am so excited to see whats to come,

even tomorrow.

the universe works in mysterious ways.

goodnight world.

"wont you stand in the middle of the street with me right now? yeah, shout it out. right here together, right here forever, somehow."

emotions change with the seasons.

the wind whistles outside my window,

and with a glance i notice the tornado like movement of the leaves.

'this is fall' i think to myself,

'this is falling.'

you never know quite when it's going to sneak up on you,

but when it does it brings with it this whirlwind of sorts,

making a mess of everything that's been organized so neatly.

i had piles for everything.

potentials, memories, and really important things for the present.

now they're all spread out across my floor.

and the best part is,

i don't even seem to mind.

you see,

i still miss her sometimes,

when i'm alone in my bed.

late nights,

sloppy returns.

all the technology in the world

couldn't make

a pillow to match her breathing.

and even if it could,

it wouldn't be the same.

and still,

every now and again i find myself yearning,

for that familiar scent,

that body that my fingers memorized long ago.

but my conscious knows i'm better off,

and lately my heart's been pointing in another direction.

and she might be the change that makes me better.

the same way time and time before i let my brain fall to the sidelines,

i'm beginning to think another way.

and there's just a shot as any that i'll end up in the same place

6 months down the line.

but i guess it's better to go with the flow,

and move with the wind,

since there will always be more,

whenever the sun rolls back in.

like spiders.

it's like she takes me to the bank

and saves me for a rainy day.

and i'm just as much to blame

because i'll cover anyway.

its just i never seem to learn,

come time and time again,

every time she hints she wants more,

she lets me know she's just a friend.

then i'll fall to my knees,

gettin' tripped all up in you,

because you've weaved me this web,

and now i don't know what to do.

the lights are flashing red, but i just wanna gun it.

no matter what i say love,

no matter what i do,

every little thing is just to get me back to you.

no matter what i say love, 

no matter what i do,

i'd give up everything,

just to stay beside you.

i find myself at a crossroads.

to my right,

i see everything that i have ever desired.

and to my left,

i see nothing but happiness.

the problem is,

these two are no longer intertwined.

in order to fulfill my dreams

i am sacrificing a part of myself.

losing part of what makes me, me,

for what i suppose i believe is

'the greater good',

internally.

it's hard to put to words,

i just feel like,

this is it,

this is the last chance to stop things.

to take it easy.

because if i keep heading in the direction i'm going,

there's no turning back.

it's a shame. 

this was just getting fun.

oh well,

shift into drive and slam my foot to the floor,

i've given up what i had,

and the life i knew before.

in hopes that with my twisted mind

i can conquer my demons,

and splatter the world with my proverbial semen.

i think that i can feel myself changing.

for the better, i suppose.

it's just weird how i'm now consciously able to notice the difference between the way i currently operate, and the way things used to go.

i have to say,

i think this is 'maturing'.

i build my fears into pillars, and use them to hold up my head.

i'm  afraid.

afraid  that   everything  I

wanted  was  a  lie.  afraid

that  you   aren't   the  one

i thought  you were.   i am

so fucking afraid of being

alone,  of being forgotten,

of  being  left  out,   that  it 

consumes  me.   this  whole

charade is a  mechanism.

one  of  my own  creation,

to  alter  this  loneliness.

to  create,  if  only  on  the

external, the person  who

i   always   wanted    to  be.

someone  who  was   never

afraid of anything.the one

who  everyone  fell

madly in love with. 

believing in your breathing.

i'm doing my best not to lose my sense of smell,
but the smoke set my nostrils on fire.
this is exactly the result i was afraid of.
the worthless product of the equation for all the things i desire.
all those things i was warned of in the past come rushing back to me,
good thing i remember them now.
after all the mistakes have been made
looking back on the things i should have done.
i should have spoken slower, chosen words more carefully.
i should have paid attention to the things that actually mattered.
oh what is this life?
what is this mess i've made with the one chance i've been given?
paranoia can overwhelm rather quickly,
this certainly wasn't the way i'd planned things.
i hope that time will tell,
when it whispers in my ear,
whether all of this is normal,
whether everyone feels the fear.
and i hope that you'll be waiting,
and i hope that you'll stay near,
and i hope that you'll be calling back,
when time delivers you back here.

for someone whose not, you're just my type.

i love it when my nights don't end.
where the late blurry hours,
turn into bright early days.
who needs rest?
or at least, not much of it.

she breathes the sweetest smell of memory,
bringing me back, and grabbing ahold of me.
searching for the moments when these nights used to mean something,
back when accessories were cheap,
and visions of the evenings past still stayed with us.
i remember learning from my mistakes,
but now it seems i just relive them.
but for that one night,
that one moment where she was mine,
i was happy.
and i couldn't lose that if i tried.
you make me feel like the first day of spring,
stripping off clothes to get out to the country.
so young and alive,
and not ready to stop moving.
but then when it feels like the first day of autumn,
i'll be holding you close as the leaves burned red.

we gotta get, get out of this town.

it's funny.
the longer that i'm here,
the more the feelings of love and hate start to show.
this town is filled with clowns,
and junkies
and whores.
and we're all as guilty,
doing drugs instead of chores.
i love it here, i do.
but it's driving me insane.
everyone is crazy,
yet everyone's a friend.
what to do in a place like this.
this isn't the way the rest of the world operates,
it's like a secret eden up here.
only the snakes are everywhere,
encouraging bad decisions.
and everyone let's them pass by,
unnoticed,
untouched.
this is the type of place i dreamt about as a kid,
now it's keeping me up late trying to fix it.
all i want is a stable ground,
somewhere that will be on the same page today,
and tomorrow.
not a place where one night can change an existence,
not a place where one night can change a person.
i just want to be happy,
happy with you.
and not have to worry about the consequence.
i want to feel,
something real.
not chemical emotions that i'll lose in moments,
i'd rather just take the recipe.
i feel like i'm running around with donkey ears,
hearing everything without making any moves.
i feel like i'm stumbling around with a tail,
getting caught in doors behind me,
binding me to one place at a time.
i feel like this is the land of lost boys,
where children of all ages are free to play,
but pinnochio taught me a lesson i won't soon forget,
about living too hastily and being filled with regret,
so i'll pack my bags, ditch the ears & jet,
and find a new scene, with a whole different set.

i loathe this town.

all you know about me is what I've sold you, dumb fuck. I sold out long before you ever heard my name.

hey, you know.
i think it comes with the grounds,
but sometimes that shit really gets to me.
sometimes i wish it were different.

i miss having a steady ground.
with everything.
i remember back in the days when,
i thought i knew who i was.
i was still just as unsure about were i was going with my life,
but i miss having everything else in place.
i'm always moving.
or everyone else is,
when i just want to stay.
i've been questioning more and more lately.
i think it's time to change a few things up.

i feel the chill rolling in.

i want to feel your feet,
pressed against mine in the dead of winter.
crossed and intertwined.
in this tiny little room,
on my mattress on the floor.
and i'll feel you breathing,
against my chest through the night.
your body's the only heater i need come december.

i'm praying for a good holiday season.
i know it's early,
but,
i mean,
it's the best time of the year.
never too early for preparations.

life moves fast but today we're gunna take it slow.

i love thursdays.
i've said it before,
and i'll say it again.
waking up at one has it's pros,
from then on,
the rest of the day is really productive.
or not.
either way.
it's my schedule.
no responsibilities,
no nothing.

livin' the dream.

potentially a big weekend.
we'll see whats to come.

sloppily sorry.

baby don't cry,
don't shed no tears.
everything is gunna be alright.
baby don't worry,
hold back those tears,
we'll do it together,
ill help you conquer those fears.

i fall way too deep way too fast,
i think it's the excitement that gets me.
i can't quite explain it,
but the rush of emotions overwhelms me,
and i just can't stop it.
it's not one of those,
'oh just try not to think about it'
types of things.
it's more-so that pestering feeling,
that's always around.
even while you're sleeping
and it's not that it's bad,
it's just pointless.
isn't all of this?

i remember when she used to call me baby,
now she rarely calls at all,
and it's lonley in this homey type transition to the fall.
just promise me that,
whatever happens,
even if we were to die right now,
you'd never let me know the truth,
i'm not sure i even want to know anymore.

oh what a weekend.

so, i guess it's about time
to leave an update about the insane fucking weekend
that i just had.

back on the road with cloud 9.
i always miss those fuckers and the mini road trips
when it's been too long between them.
well, this one was one for the books.

friday night, at saloon in NYC.
the set was pretty good,
but it was a weird pretentious city crowd.
they were 'too cool' to dance.
whatever,
we all had a fucking blast.
the house dj,
or whoever the hell he was,
was complete clown shoes.
he would sample a song,
and even when it sounded like something was gunna be tight,
he found a way to mess it up.
good job dj wonder.
and then we kind of got kicked out,
slightly?
steve almost got into a fight,
and we were put in charge of making sure his ass stayed in line.
not an easy task with a dude whos bigger, taller, and stronger than you are.
and completely obliterated.

saturday morning it was drive time.
from monroe to college park.
made the drive in 4? maybe 5 hours tops.
nice and easy,
smooth sailing.
smoked all the way down the jersey turnpike.
all through delaware.
it was a breeze.
got to maryland,
load in & sound check.
then onto fried's apartment.
(fried goes to UMD, so he was a big part of the trip)
Santa Fe Cafe was so dank though.
bud lights and patron free upstairs,
a highly smoke-able green room,
and lots of very attractive females.
made for a good evening.
shwayze was in the house,
so bringing people upstairs was kind of a problem,
his security is mad tight.
all around though i think we all had a pretty bomb ass time.

this weekend i'm gunna try and hit up the oneonta date with annelise,
then the weekend after that is onto Rochester.

i think i may need to spend some more time at home.
ha.

i've been sleeping well these past few nights,
and i've been dreaming again.
i missed those pictures of you in my head.

your mask is slipping, but it's okay, let it go.

eleanor,
I won't judge you.
your words sing to my eardrums,
on a beat they've never heard before.
don't leave me alone in this.
we're all messed up,
but our voices harmonize.

you know, I don't even know if that's her real name,
but her troubles remind me why I started all this.
although I don't know her details,
I know everyone has a dark side,
and this is my place for that as well.

it seem's like someone's bumped you from your path,
well I left a trail of bread crumbs,
hope that you can find your way back.

if things don't turn out like we planned it, no matter what we say, i'll hold you close. i'll tear my heart out, i'll find another way.

it's strange.
the past few days,
has had me thinking of you.
it's weird how feelings from years ago
can rush back.
maybe it's because i'm lonely.
maybe it's because you're just starting up with him.
maybe i'm just jealous.
i don't know.
but if you remember back to that day,
when i told you that i couldn't picture myself
growing old with anyone else but you.
i meant it.

however.
i've had the other [more recent] her's songs stuck in my head,
all week.
ha, it just occured to me,
that i always refer to all women as 'her'.
from your perspective,
this may seem crazy.
her has been several females in my life,
thus far into the postings.
sorry to confuse.
series of ex-girlfriends, potentials, feigned romances.
a mix-up mash-up of whoevers and whatevers in my head at the moment.

i think she'll know who i'm talking about, though.

"oh, you're freaking me out.
you make me feel like i'm on fire.
it's alright now baby.
its alright, its alright.
every little piece of me,
that you can take or need.
you can take,
pick me to the bone."
- HRC ''45's''

recounting on old thoughts.

but shouldn't we leave some of the sky untamed?
unmapped by human hands?
it seemed like a dream then fast foward straight into supreme,
and then there was nothing left
but some dried up old leaves
and the scent of cement
and peices of paper spread about the globe.
paper,
trees.
but haven't we made this place so, home-y?
yes! yes magnificent,
magnificent in the way a new baby is born,
or in the way we've built up our cities so the man in the penthouse suite can see the sunset perfectly.
he'll sit comfortably in his room,
and watch the sun go down on his earth and say,
'whats left to be done?'
whats left is undoing,
and cleaning our mess,
and fixing the market,
and feeling less stress.
leave those skylines alone,
let them see the world.
from down here,
it almost looks as if this is working.
but space is a place that we will never conquer,
so we'll have to hold it down here.
with our gps driven,
theres no need to stay near.
we've covered everything,
but shouldn't there be something left to explore?


old one.
cleaning up the comp,
and stumbled upon this.
it might have made it on here at one point,
but i revamped it a little bit from the version i had saved.
hope ya dig it.

the mountain range in my living room.

today is one of those days,

where i feel like consciously numbing my mind.

sometimes it's too much to handle,

sometimes it's too much to take.

and basically,

i hate myself,

but not nearly as much,

as i hate everyone else.

and the way the world works,

and the things they do.

and the cynics and jerks,

and the things that remind me of you.

lately these paranoid delusions,

have been piling up in my head,

and i'm losing it slowly,

hearing the things they've said.

but to me it's all good,

can't say i don't care,

but it's really not worth it,

so i'll stand tall like a bear,

and i'll take your shots,

and i won't say a word,

but rest assured,

that i won't forget nothing i've heard.

and when you roll around,

looking for something from me,

i can assure you,

you won't be happy with what you see.

because i'll let you hate,

and i'll try not to let it break skin,

because i know that you're just jealous,

because of the shitty situation you're in.

and i mean, i've been there,

i know how you're feeling,

but that don't mean you can run your mouth,

just because you are in healing.

with a messed up brain,

and a brain dead girl,

you still wish you had half,

of what i got in this world.

trip on a bump.

i feel.

and i want you to know that the feelings i'm feeling are the most negative feelings that one person could possibly feel about another person.

that's the nicest way i could put it.

here's another.

[edit]

i wrote something.

but i'm not going to un-post it.

i'm not about bashing people on the internet.

but just so you know,

don't expect anything from me.

breathe easy.

today was light,

but it made me feel fucking great.

i hope your brain paints up the same shade as mine.

i couldn't help seeing you there across the room.

i know our eye's met a few times before,

but let's re-introduce them.

social (anti) habit.

I'm the type of guy who,
get me in a room full of a couple hundred people,
I could talk for hours.
no fear,
no worries.
cool,
calm,
collected.
like the world's most entertaining cucumber.
however,
lock me in a room alone with her,
one on one,
& I'm speechless.
i got lines coming out the ying-yang,
except when I need them.

beat generator.

oh no my dear,

i fear i'm giving you,

the wrong idea.

so, i've been doing more and more

to further those 'dreams' that I've been having.

we haven't been painting as much as i'd like,

but hopefully that'll pick up soon.

i'm also demo-ing all the professional DJ software i can find,

so that hopefully i can get that going again too.

and as the days pass by,

i have few designs to show for it,

but i think i'm building foundations,

so at least i think i'm on the right path.

it's all about learning how to play the different games.

i think i'm actually over her,

which is strange because recently i've been seeing her more than usual.

it's more habit than anything else,

i think.

it's true that i adore her,

but the way that i've been treated,

and the just all around lack of effort on her part,

has me at my last end.

honestly, if it came down to it,

and she came to me and asked for my hand right now,

i can't truly say that i would definitely give it to her.

i'm nobody's 2nd best.

i don't play the b-list spot.

and i am seriously finished with waiting around.

"i wish i was a little bit taller, i wish i was a baller,

i wish i had a girl who looked good, i would call her.

i wish i had a rabbit in a hat, and a bat, and a '64 impala."

the 'i wish' cover, by the Secret Handshake,

on Punk Goes Crunk is dank. check it out.

it's been a slow day.

shaping up to be a slow night,

but hopefully i'll see someone special.

i believe tonight is our night...

downtempo.

oh the life i lead.

sometimes i drive myself crazy,

because i'm so fed up with other people.

but i'll keep it to myself,

until they try to say something,

and then i snap.

cleaning around the apartment

has become a weekly uphill battle.

and unless you roam around the house shouting

'i cleaned this' or 'i cleaned that'

noone realizes it got done,

and everyone argues about who's turn it is to do what.

i fucking hate it.

howeverrrrrr

tonight has been an overall fantastic night.

the sunday night ritual is so dank.

hokkaido is like, the best restaurant,

and every week it's amazing.

and it's only to the corner.

so it's always close.

and the meditation session

will hopefully clear out

what i've been sweeping out of my brain all week.

i'll sleep well tonight.

your eyes tell me a story,

about who you are and where you've been.

about what you've done,

and how you've been hurt,

and whats happened in your life.

i always wanted to know if i could do that with everyone,

but your eyes are the only ones i stay locked onto

for more than a brief moment.

it's like you've put a padlock on my senses,

and they can only focus on your elegance.

this trance i've been living in

has made my head a wreck,

but i wouldn't trade it for anyone.

i wouldn't trade you for the world.

i saw her at a bonfire.

stop standing like that.

with your hand on your hip,

and that little smirk that you do.

move.

move to me.

and brushing up against my shoulder

when you're too drunk to stand upright,

isn't my idea of appropriate affection.

i can see by the look in your eye

that you're in this as bad as i am,

and that stare leaves no questions unanswered,

except for all the ones racing through my head.

can you hear me?

do you feel it too?

do you want me?

do you want me to want you too?

how come it's taken us so long,

to still end up exactly where we started?

and why can't i look away?

or forget my lack of drunk that day?

or remember just how i used to feel about anyone

or anything else?

because the only thing i see is you,

and you're smile says the spell's cast on two.

but you're always leaving right before the best part.

so what do you really want me to do?

spill my guts like a show for you?

because if you have the mindset,

then i've got the plan,

and i'd love to run this as far as we can.

but i can only go as far as my mortal soul will let me.

so when you wake up in the morning,

i pray that you won't forget me.

or the night we had,

or the things we've done,

or the thoughts in your head,

that said that i am the one.

a hidden motivation.

and here it is.

a proclamation from the ready,

from the one who's been sitting here,

waiting, for far too long.

damned if you do,

immobile if you don't.

and he's tired of sitting still.

one finger on the trigger,

the other on a chain,

that binds him to all the bad things,

that he hates about his life.

but it's one of those,

love/hate relationships.

sometimes he makes himself sick,

disgusted by the vulgarities and irregularity

inside himself.

there's nothing worse than feeling alone,

inside your own skin,

but thats a feeling that he knows well.

starving for contact he'll never know.

desperate for the things he doesn't deserve.

everyone's sure they're doing everything right,

until they find out they're doing everything wrong.

faceless dependents on one man's back,

he's got the weight of the world on a necklace.

and inside his shoes,

he's got narcotics & booze,

and an ignorant mindset,

he's got no plans to lose.