sloppily sorry.

baby don't cry,
don't shed no tears.
everything is gunna be alright.
baby don't worry,
hold back those tears,
we'll do it together,
ill help you conquer those fears.

i fall way too deep way too fast,
i think it's the excitement that gets me.
i can't quite explain it,
but the rush of emotions overwhelms me,
and i just can't stop it.
it's not one of those,
'oh just try not to think about it'
types of things.
it's more-so that pestering feeling,
that's always around.
even while you're sleeping
and it's not that it's bad,
it's just pointless.
isn't all of this?

i remember when she used to call me baby,
now she rarely calls at all,
and it's lonley in this homey type transition to the fall.
just promise me that,
whatever happens,
even if we were to die right now,
you'd never let me know the truth,
i'm not sure i even want to know anymore.

oh what a weekend.

so, i guess it's about time
to leave an update about the insane fucking weekend
that i just had.

back on the road with cloud 9.
i always miss those fuckers and the mini road trips
when it's been too long between them.
well, this one was one for the books.

friday night, at saloon in NYC.
the set was pretty good,
but it was a weird pretentious city crowd.
they were 'too cool' to dance.
whatever,
we all had a fucking blast.
the house dj,
or whoever the hell he was,
was complete clown shoes.
he would sample a song,
and even when it sounded like something was gunna be tight,
he found a way to mess it up.
good job dj wonder.
and then we kind of got kicked out,
slightly?
steve almost got into a fight,
and we were put in charge of making sure his ass stayed in line.
not an easy task with a dude whos bigger, taller, and stronger than you are.
and completely obliterated.

saturday morning it was drive time.
from monroe to college park.
made the drive in 4? maybe 5 hours tops.
nice and easy,
smooth sailing.
smoked all the way down the jersey turnpike.
all through delaware.
it was a breeze.
got to maryland,
load in & sound check.
then onto fried's apartment.
(fried goes to UMD, so he was a big part of the trip)
Santa Fe Cafe was so dank though.
bud lights and patron free upstairs,
a highly smoke-able green room,
and lots of very attractive females.
made for a good evening.
shwayze was in the house,
so bringing people upstairs was kind of a problem,
his security is mad tight.
all around though i think we all had a pretty bomb ass time.

this weekend i'm gunna try and hit up the oneonta date with annelise,
then the weekend after that is onto Rochester.

i think i may need to spend some more time at home.
ha.

i've been sleeping well these past few nights,
and i've been dreaming again.
i missed those pictures of you in my head.

your mask is slipping, but it's okay, let it go.

eleanor,
I won't judge you.
your words sing to my eardrums,
on a beat they've never heard before.
don't leave me alone in this.
we're all messed up,
but our voices harmonize.

you know, I don't even know if that's her real name,
but her troubles remind me why I started all this.
although I don't know her details,
I know everyone has a dark side,
and this is my place for that as well.

it seem's like someone's bumped you from your path,
well I left a trail of bread crumbs,
hope that you can find your way back.

if things don't turn out like we planned it, no matter what we say, i'll hold you close. i'll tear my heart out, i'll find another way.

it's strange.
the past few days,
has had me thinking of you.
it's weird how feelings from years ago
can rush back.
maybe it's because i'm lonely.
maybe it's because you're just starting up with him.
maybe i'm just jealous.
i don't know.
but if you remember back to that day,
when i told you that i couldn't picture myself
growing old with anyone else but you.
i meant it.

however.
i've had the other [more recent] her's songs stuck in my head,
all week.
ha, it just occured to me,
that i always refer to all women as 'her'.
from your perspective,
this may seem crazy.
her has been several females in my life,
thus far into the postings.
sorry to confuse.
series of ex-girlfriends, potentials, feigned romances.
a mix-up mash-up of whoevers and whatevers in my head at the moment.

i think she'll know who i'm talking about, though.

"oh, you're freaking me out.
you make me feel like i'm on fire.
it's alright now baby.
its alright, its alright.
every little piece of me,
that you can take or need.
you can take,
pick me to the bone."
- HRC ''45's''

recounting on old thoughts.

but shouldn't we leave some of the sky untamed?
unmapped by human hands?
it seemed like a dream then fast foward straight into supreme,
and then there was nothing left
but some dried up old leaves
and the scent of cement
and peices of paper spread about the globe.
paper,
trees.
but haven't we made this place so, home-y?
yes! yes magnificent,
magnificent in the way a new baby is born,
or in the way we've built up our cities so the man in the penthouse suite can see the sunset perfectly.
he'll sit comfortably in his room,
and watch the sun go down on his earth and say,
'whats left to be done?'
whats left is undoing,
and cleaning our mess,
and fixing the market,
and feeling less stress.
leave those skylines alone,
let them see the world.
from down here,
it almost looks as if this is working.
but space is a place that we will never conquer,
so we'll have to hold it down here.
with our gps driven,
theres no need to stay near.
we've covered everything,
but shouldn't there be something left to explore?


old one.
cleaning up the comp,
and stumbled upon this.
it might have made it on here at one point,
but i revamped it a little bit from the version i had saved.
hope ya dig it.

the mountain range in my living room.

today is one of those days,

where i feel like consciously numbing my mind.

sometimes it's too much to handle,

sometimes it's too much to take.

and basically,

i hate myself,

but not nearly as much,

as i hate everyone else.

and the way the world works,

and the things they do.

and the cynics and jerks,

and the things that remind me of you.

lately these paranoid delusions,

have been piling up in my head,

and i'm losing it slowly,

hearing the things they've said.

but to me it's all good,

can't say i don't care,

but it's really not worth it,

so i'll stand tall like a bear,

and i'll take your shots,

and i won't say a word,

but rest assured,

that i won't forget nothing i've heard.

and when you roll around,

looking for something from me,

i can assure you,

you won't be happy with what you see.

because i'll let you hate,

and i'll try not to let it break skin,

because i know that you're just jealous,

because of the shitty situation you're in.

and i mean, i've been there,

i know how you're feeling,

but that don't mean you can run your mouth,

just because you are in healing.

with a messed up brain,

and a brain dead girl,

you still wish you had half,

of what i got in this world.

trip on a bump.

i feel.

and i want you to know that the feelings i'm feeling are the most negative feelings that one person could possibly feel about another person.

that's the nicest way i could put it.

here's another.

[edit]

i wrote something.

but i'm not going to un-post it.

i'm not about bashing people on the internet.

but just so you know,

don't expect anything from me.