a mess of rants & rambles.

I’m tired, but I seriously doubt I can sleep. I have this terrible knack for waiting till the last minute to do everything. So tonight, in panic mode (after having the single worst hungover sunday of my life, in and out of bed exclusively to vomit until 5 p.m.) I popped a few study buddies only to find that the project is not due until next Monday. Luckily, I have a good sense of learning from my mistakes, because instead of working on the project tonight and at least getting a good start on it, I chose to not work on it at all and catch up on the new Californication. And although my centermost desire in this lifetime is to be like Hank Moody when I grow up and I can not contain seeing what types of shenanigans he’ll get into next, I spend another night completely unproductive. I am my own worst enemy. I’m a goddamned time bomb. This habit list I’m forming is quite possibly going to be the end of me. And yet I guess I think I’m doing everything right. Most of it seems to be working. Although, contrary to what my mom always told me, I don’t ever learn from the important mistakes. But my problem is I don’t know how to express to her that all I’m doing is trying not to let her down. I’m playing the game the best way I know how, and yeah, I’m having as much fun as possible. (I want to enjoy my life to the best of my ability) But all that I have here is open doors, and I know I keep knocking on the ones I’ve been at before, but I’m trying to grow up in a place where everything seems to be pushing me down. So I lift myself up and get high as a kite, and I chill with my friends and enjoy the flight, because all that I know is a series of motions that I cant stop. So I cope with myself and I hope for change, and pray someday this world will be re-arranged to a spot where we can all relax and enjoy life like it should be lived. And I lay with myself, on days where there’s nobody else, and ponder my existence, if only for an instance, because in reality, I don’t have a fucking clue as to what I’m doing.